Greetings sir/madam,
I believe you are in the possession of a doll that bears a striking resemblance to me? And you have been placing things of a pointy nature in this doll hoping to cause me pain for your entertainment? Further, you are concentrating your efforts on a particular body part because you are a sadistic turd? I implore you to grant my foot a day free from injury. Please congratulate yourself on a job well done as my foot throbs when anyone so much as breathes in its general direction and stop sticking needles in the doll. At this point it’s laughable how many times Lexi has dropped her very heavy chew toys from optimum height to land squarely on the foot so viciously attacked by tomato products in the pantry a few days ago. (And I believe now we can put that attack squarely in your column and not blame it on smack talk.) Can I blame the ridiculous pratfalls I’ve suffered in full view of many of my neighbors on you as well? They’ve been delightfully humiliating as well as painful, so that’s a nice one-two punch. Please! Enough with the needles/stick pins or whatever you are using. You’ve won!
Thank you for your time.

Feed my skull resident...

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