Over the past few years, I’ve seen people dancing in commercials to promote carpets, grills, decking materials, feminine hygiene products and now something called Tena. I’m still not even sure what that product is. I quickly flip to another channel because the music makes me search for an icepick to insert repeatedly into my ear hoping to make contact with my eardrum. I don’t get why watching these people dance awkwardly is supposed to inspire consumers to part with their hard-earned cash. Nor do I get excited enough to dance at the sight of any of these items. I can name a few pieces of cool technology that could inspire me to bust a series of hearty moves, but that’s about all I can see generating that kind of response.

Listen, when dancing is being performed by non-professionals, it’s best done in poorly lit spaces. With an unspoken agreement between performers that nobody will mock anyone else’s moves. It’s dance etiquette. Unflattering lighting and godawful music like what you find in these commercials should never be accompanied by these “dancers” harshing our couch potato buzz. I feel for the poor slob who is sitting there unable to locate the remote and is therefore forced to endure this agony. I can almost hear that poor person’s screams and pleas for mercy. Won’t someone please think of this poor, unfortunate soul and stop the madness?

Feed my skull resident...

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