This is a good thing because I was feeling pretty lukewarm about doing research regarding salt preservation and other food preservation techniques. Also, my gut isn’t very evolved when it comes to consuming things that have gone “over” so to speak, so I really like my foods to be maintained in a more consistent manner to prohibit any nasty surprises. Not that I’m suggesting that certain people are more tolerant than I. Though that is exactly what I’m suggesting. Or maybe what I’m suggesting is that if there are certain people who can withstand a certain amount of pre-spoilage, well, I’m certainly not a member of that population.

I’m just so very glad to have a refrigerator rejoin our kitchen appliance community again. I have some concerns about what our last refrigerator whispered to the other appliances as it turned in its resignation to us via a rapidly spreading pool of water at its pathetic feet. I’m a firm believer that all appliances owe their owners some sort of grace period before crapping out. Turn in a two-week notice ideally, but I’m completely understanding of a 3-5 day notice. If your owners routinely call you hurtful names (like rust bucket or completely ineffective or couldn’t-clean-a-dish-if-it-was-run-through-the-wash-cycle-already-clean or veggie/crisper-drawer-freezes-foods-better-than-freezer) while kicking you, maybe you only owe a day’s  notice. But we were nothing but kind to our refrigerator, even if for years the veggie/crisper drawer often thought a neat prank was to flash freeze some fresh veggies for us. We’d just paste on our fake smiles and mutter, “Good one, fridge. You got us there.” We never said a harsh word. So, you can imagine our surprise when our fridge didn’t bother to exhibit any telltale behavior in its final days. Oh no. It just worked. And then the next day, it refused to retain water in its solid state in the freezer. We opened the door to receive its rank odor emission signifying food that ought to be relocated to the garbage, and on the double, please. And we demanded it return its refrigerator badge, and we issued it a pantry badge because it became good for nothing but storing items of a pantry nature. We also began giving it looks of disgust because what was it going to do to us at this point? We quickly issued the eviction notice giving it 3 days to exit the premises. And we began searching for a replacement refrigerator.

There’s a whole lot to the story of how we bought our replacement refrigerator that I’m far too soul-weary to tell you, and it involves a lot of “Stephanie’s kind of a dumbass at appliance shopping.” So, let’s just leave it at: “Stephanie’s kind of a dumbass at appliance shopping.” But the end result of the story is that we’ve been without a refrigerator in the kitchen for a couple of weeks. I know what you’re thinking. Relax, Wendy Whiner. You’re such a complete and utter pill, Empress Entitlement. And you couldn’t be more right. It was hardly something we couldn’t work around what with the fact that we have a refrigerator, albeit small, in the garage. It’s just that the refrigerator in the garage appears drunk with power knowing that it holds all the cards and has been flash freezing any fresh vegetable I dare to store in its depths. It doesn’t feel any need to keep a consistent temperature. I’ve got a thermometer in there for my own sanity. I check it from time to time and see fluctuations of eight holy-hell degrees (NO, I WASN’T holding the door open during that time!). Anyway, it’s a bit of an ass. I haven’t the slightest idea if I can trust the dairy items in there. At least the milk we’ve been pouring hasn’t attained that smell of stank or isn’t carting curds in its stream yet. And I haven’t seen any fur-coated or oddly-tinted cheese. I know that’s good news. I guess I’m sorry that we haven’t been giving it the love it feels it deserves with daily visits and hugs, and hours of listening to its problems. But that’s just not my way. I’m not touchy-feely with any of my appliances. I just expect them to do their jobs. I guess I do consider them to be beneath me, and now I’m paying the price.

I’ll try to do a better job with the shiny new fridge that moves in today. I’ve vacuumed out its space, and I think it looks cozy and homey. I’ll hold it and squeeze it and call it George. But I swear if I start seeing the flash-freezing of my fresh veggies, I’m going back to my old ways! We’ll see how things go, though. Doesn’t it kinda look like it has that have a day face?

NewFridgeAnd I don’t think “have a day” is quite the level of energy I’m looking for out of my new refrigerator….

Feed my skull resident...

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