Yesterday, Lexi peed on her Flying Squirrel dog toy. Again. Yes, it’s happened before. Maybe she’s not so good with the aim. I mean, I’m reaching on that, but maybe? She’s peed on it before during one of her tail tucking sessions when she loses touch with reality. But this pee insult was delivered with her faculties intact. So, I tried to attribute it to bad aim because that rested easier in my headspace. And then, she did this!!!

Flying Squirrel Containing Poo

Yep, it’s poo. On the flying squirrel. Poo around the flying squirrel to show that she can hit the area AROUND the flying squirrel. And poo INSIDE the flying squirrel. Because that’s how she rolls. It’s insulting is what is. Insulting to the flying squirrel, and insulting to those of us whom she expects to throw the flying squirrel. And this didn’t happen while she was in the midst of a tail tucking session either. Which makes it purposeful. I feel that after this egregious behavior, I’m going to have to air some of my grievances with this dog of mine. So, my issues are as follows:

  • Her breath stinks.
  • She emits foul odors from her hindquarters. All stealth-like. She’ll pass by you and give you the cute face. You’ll pat her and give her a smooch. Next thing you know? You’re sucking down a lungful of foul air.
  • She jumps on me from behind in conga line fashion and forces me to conga when I’m in no mood to conga. In fact, I’m never in the mood to conga. So, what’s next? The chicken dance? On second thought, if she initiates the chicken dance, I will totally participate if only to see her doing the chicken dance.
  • Anyway. As I was saying. She performs a daily tail tucking session INSIDE the house despite numerous opportunities and admonishments to take that shit outside. And now? Our floors are all scratched. Yes, we do cut her nails. But it doesn’t seem to help.
  • She is constantly under my feet when I’m trying to do things, and I don’t want to have to look down all the time. Hello, neck trouble! And, also, it’s pretty hard to get almost anything done when you’re constantly staring at the floor looking for your constant tripping hazard. Hmmmm…. Maybe this is purposeful on her part? She’s trying to kill me, isn’t she? Oh crap! She really is the spawn of Satan’s devil dog. I hope she can’t read my blog. She’ll figure out I’m on to her.

Feed my skull resident...

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