My family is gone for the night and all the nooks and crannies of my empty house are conspiring to produce some of the creepiest and malevolent kinds of sounds. I definitely hear footsteps. I’ve calculated that the solution to this unsavory situation is a large chair pushed in front of my locked bedroom door. As I’m “speed walking” the chair over to the door because it’s (as intended) too heavy to carry, I realize that my back is to the door that I intend to barricade and though the door is currently locked, I’m certain that the “bad guy” is now on my side of the door with a smug grin waiting for me to back into him with my now completely ineffectual chair. So, now I’m walking the chair over with continuous panicked glances behind me which of course means that the chair must land on my toe on one of the rotations. And now I’m quietly cursing the stupid toe which is throbbing like a whiny baby. Look, toe, we are trying to barricade the door to save us from the madman out there. Do you really think your pain and suffering matters? As I finally get the chair in position, the doubts creep in. Have I positioned the chair correctly? If the “bad guy” — (I don’t know why that is in quotes. If the guy is in my house intending me harm, he is a bad guy, so why am I giving him the benefit of quotes?) ANYWAY, if the bad guy gets the door unlocked which, come on, is pathetically easy since I’ve just remembered that the keys are hidden all over the house conveniently placed above the doors for which you might need them, then he pushes with all his weight against the door after feeling the resistance that is my hurriedly constructed barricade, won’t it be easy to just push the chair over? It’s only a chair; not the anchor for a cruise ship. So, then I begin to run the possible sequences through my head to determine how the chair is going to topple over. Will it turn over in such a fashion as to ensure my safety long enough for me to get the 911 call completed? And, after I’ve notified 911 as to my predicament, where do I run? Do I run to my closet? No, fool, there is no egress from there! Do, I run to the bathroom? Yes, that sounds smarter as you can climb through the window where you can tumble to the ground and break your legs making sure that the bad guy can then run downstairs and out the door and find you…. Hmmmm, that doesn’t work either. I have a large flashlight. Can I use that to knock the guy out and escape? No, because you are an enormous loser. And so it goes. I clock a mere 15 minutes of sleep. The rest of the night is spent listening to rogue noises and attempting to assign innocuous origins. In the morning, I leap out of bed, move the chair back to its correct location, and put the house in order so it appears that I had a carefree night.

Feed my skull resident...

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