Progressives: A.K.A WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I got me some spanking new glasses almost a year ago. They are super hot looking and, therefore, upgrade my look from homely with earnest goodwill to less homely with earnest goodwill. (You can’t expect full-on makeovers from a pair of specs.) But when they are sitting by themselves on a table? Those babies scream SEXAYYYYYY!! I will swear to anyone who will listen that I’ve seen them wink at me and others who are believers in that type of thing. Check out these cheeky babies:


But, they are PROGRESSIVES!! Oh wait, I should have whispered that. They are progressives. Shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone. Of course, people to my left and right are able to tell because they are like, “WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL is wrong with your glasses? My eyes can’t make heads or tails out of anything. One area is trying to do one thing and another area is trying to accomplish something else altogether. What kind of madness is this????” And I just shrug and say, I don’t know what you mean. I can see things far away when I look in one area. I can see middle distance from one section, and I can read my books from the last section. And they look HORRIFIED. “You mean they are BI…….<sharp inhalation>….no wait……they are TRIFOCALS!!!!” And I’m quick to correct them. “No, they are p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e-s. That’s what they are called. You’re welcome.” And then in an aside to my concerned friend, “Actually they aren’t really trifocals anyway. That middle section is all smoke and mirrors. It’s just plain glass. See? Not so bad. Right?” And then I fan them because they appear to be about to faint.

I didn’t realize until people reacted to the fact that I got PROGRESSIVES how entirely embarrassing it was to wear them. Apparently, only old people wear progressives. Hey, old people? I mean no disrespect. I hope to be one of you some day. And I intend to mock the shit out of everyone because I can. Because I’m old and I’ve earned that right. Anyway…….. See, I’m not real good with the vanity thing. Some of the things that people are vain about don’t even register on my radar because I can be a little distracted. When the eye doctor dude said to me, “Well these are definitely overkill for you at this point. You probably won’t need them for years, but it would help you to go ahead and get your eyes used to them.” I thought, hey, this guy speaks wisdom. I will jump on the progressive parade float, wave the bespectacled flag, and teach my eyes and brain (that ornery frenemy of mine) how to handle them. It never occurred to me that I would be mocked, and that, in addition to the mockery, I would have to get used to blind spots in my new cheaters. Now, I’m young, or youngish, wearing old-people-glasses, and missing out on all sorts of shit happening in the bottom right and bottom left sectors of my glasses. And I know lots of shit is going down in those sectors. I bet there are parties going on that I could be attending if only those damn sectors were clear. But no, they are fuzzy, and it’s like amoeba-ville over there. My peripheral vision is for total shit! Would you like an example? I don’t care. You’re getting one. I was driving along at a speedy clip. DON’T WORRY! I can see FINE in front of me, and in my mirrors if I swivel my ENTIRE HEAD. Which I do because I’m a very responsible driver because I like to drive as fast as possible IN A SAFE MANNER. You do not have to abandon the roads, people. Anyway, it’s not a PITA at all to have to swivel your entire head to get a handle on what’s going down around you. Nope, not at all. Anyway, I happened to catch sight of a cop car in my left amoeba-ville sector and, knowing my speed was not cop-appropriate, I slowed down. As I began to verify the sighting by swiveling my head to thwart the blind spots while keeping my speed in the cop-approved zone, I noticed that it wasn’t a copmobile at all, but GRAMA T, stopped briefly in her cop car doppelgänger to snack on her breakfast, cheaters on the bottom of her nose, getting set to pull into traffic. As I had performed evasive maneuvers to avoid the police car, now known to be GRAMA T, I ended up following her to my dismay, as her rate of speed left much to be desired, what with the eating of breakfast while driving in rush hour traffic with a pair of readers dangling from her nose. Here are my tweets. As you’ll observe, I never mentioned any confusing of GRAMA T with a cop car. It’s not good to admit your total boneheadedness on Twitter. Bad mojo.

I guess I’m not taking to these progressives like I had hoped. Unless you’re supposed to just deal with missing out on things taking place in those bottom right and left sectors? If so, my neck better get ready for a lot of swiveling because I hate missing out on things!! And I am positive I saw an amoeba flip me off the other day!