Who has my voodoo doll likeness this month?

Greetings sir/madam,
I believe you are in the possession of a doll that bears a striking resemblance to me? And you have been placing things of a pointy nature in this doll hoping to cause me pain for your entertainment? Further, you are concentrating your efforts on a particular body part because you are a sadistic turd? I implore you to grant my foot a day free from injury. Please congratulate yourself on a job well done as my foot throbs when anyone so much as breathes in its general direction and stop sticking needles in the doll. At this point it’s laughable how many times Lexi has dropped her very heavy chew toys from optimum height to land squarely on the foot so viciously attacked by tomato products in the pantry a few days ago. (And I believe now we can put that attack squarely in your column and not blame it on smack talk.) Can I blame the ridiculous pratfalls I’ve suffered in full view of many of my neighbors on you as well? They’ve been delightfully humiliating as well as painful, so that’s a nice one-two punch. Please! Enough with the needles/stick pins or whatever you are using. You’ve won!
Thank you for your time.

Pantry uprising

While I was retrieving supplies for dinner, a tube of tomato paste performed a triple flip combination and positioned itself perfectly in the air to deliver an excruciating blow to my middle toe. And the specificity of the attack intrigued me. Of all the locations on the foot, the tomato paste chose the middle toe for its assault. I suspect a spirited session of trash talking induced the attack. Whatever the reason, the tomato paste elicited the support of a neighboring can of crushed tomatoes to participate in a two-pronged attack. The can clumsily executed a forward roll and slammed into my foot with all the elegance implied in that description but still managed to deliver the death blow to my middle toe and took the rest of the toes out as well.

The moral of the story is:
Don’t trash talk pantry items positioned on high shelves. Also, if you must trash talk pantry items, choose the Splenda bag. Those babies are light as a feather.