Um, excuse me? Am I confused? Wait, don’t answer that.

My family and I wasted a good ten minutes watching a dude named Joey Chestnut slam down 69 nasty-ass hot dogs dripped in water because apparently this is a thing. And apparently America watches this. I know we certainly did. And I’m aghast by a couple of things. He has a coach. HE HAS A COACH, PEOPLE. What does this “coach” do? I’m pretty sure I could coach someone for this event. Dude? Eat. There. I’ve coached you. Wait, that’s not right. Dude? Eat fast. There. That’s better. And the other thing that’s got me sitting here watching this with my stupid mouth hanging wide open in astonishment? These people are ranked. THEY ARE RANKED. Like this is a sport. What in the world! The announcer is calling out their names like they’re about to enter the Thunderdome instead of participate in Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. I’m just astonished, entertained and horrified all at the same time. It’s a strange world we live in.