Dear restaurants,

Some of your patrons are not pickle fans. (No, this is not a euphemism, sirs/madams. Focus, please!) Some of us have at one point in our lives enjoyed a pickle or two or eight but no longer partake. Some of us still like pickles. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we want pickles riding shotgun on our food orders. Would you like to know why? Too bad. I’m going to tell you anyway. Pickle juice gets all over things. It makes things soggy. It transforms the taste of all the items on the plate with that juice that always spreads beyond the pickle border. And some of your patrons don’t like that. Some of your patrons get mad about it. They sit there with their plate full of food that was perfectly acceptable until you added that offending little sucker to put its mark all over everything else. Its signature stamp. Its stank. And we get sad. I mean they. They get sad. Then they get mad. And people begin to notice. And they point. It’s not fair. It’s unacceptable. And it’s the default for you. You assume that we want them. We have to ask for no pickles. I mean they. They have to ask for no pickles. And they have to ensure that they get your waitstaff’s full attention when doing so. And woe is the kid that is given a wayward pickle (at least in my experience) because that shit is just not tolerated. So, we…..damnit! I mean they. So they ask your waitstaff to at least promise not to put pickles on the kids’ plates. And your waitstaff wrinkles their noses at us (I MEAN THEM!), and they try desperately to contain the eyeroll and write down No Pickles, or more likely High Maintenance, or Complete Waste of Space, or Don’t Forget to Apply Spit Liberally to Order, or Wipe All Food Items on Toilet Seat Before Delivering to Customer, or, diabolically, Customer Wants Extra Pickles! on the ticket. Frankly, I know for a fact that the last little beauty must have been written on the ticket at least once or twice, as often the food comes back with two jaunty, oversized pickles on the plate! It’s a sorry state of affairs is what I’m getting at, people. And pickles must have a heck of a rally cry to be this influential.


Pickle Hater

Feed my skull resident...

Comments (2)

    • Reply

      Thank goodness a fellow pickle hater! Or at least a fellow pickle hater when it comes to sandwiches and such! You are definitely not alone! 🙂 Do you ask them to hold the pickles and get that look of annoyance, too?

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