While I was retrieving supplies for dinner, a tube of tomato paste performed a triple flip combination and positioned itself perfectly in the air to deliver an excruciating blow to my middle toe. And the specificity of the attack intrigued me. Of all the locations on the foot, the tomato paste chose the middle toe for its assault. I suspect a spirited session of trash talking induced the attack. Whatever the reason, the tomato paste elicited the support of a neighboring can of crushed tomatoes to participate in a two-pronged attack. The can clumsily executed a forward roll and slammed into my foot with all the elegance implied in that description but still managed to deliver the death blow to my middle toe and took the rest of the toes out as well.

The moral of the story is:
Don’t trash talk pantry items positioned on high shelves. Also, if you must trash talk pantry items, choose the Splenda bag. Those babies are light as a feather.

Feed my skull resident...

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