It’s every 3 years that you’re supposed to swap out your toothbrush, right? HA HA HA You’re horrified. You are now imagining that you can smell my horrendous breath through your computer screen. Don’t worry. I know you have to swap out every 3 months. I don’t follow this foolishness, of course. That’s a scam perpetuated by those toothbrush people. I swap mine out every 5 or 6 months. But I do swap it out then. Because if I don’t, it gets that pathetic look about it. You know the one I’m talking about maybe. Where the bristles all look like they’ve been in some sort of epic argument and decided to take very obvious sides with a strongly delineated middle ground which no bristle dare cross. And at that point, a toothbrush is best relegated to shoe polishing or furniture refinishing or other delightfully-fun activities that I just can’t think of at the moment.

So, I went to the dentist yesterday, and I have some interesting things to say about that involving tongues. I’ll save that for later. But today I’m writing about toothbrushes. Because when you get right down to it, what is more important than oral hygiene? Hmmmm? So, I have a tendency to brush a little, shall I say, enthusiastically. I really put my back into it is what I’m trying to say. If it was possible to brush so hard that pieces of my gums were hanging at the end of the enterprise, well, I believe that I could accomplish that. And EW! And I’m now absolutely freaking out. I’m heading over to Google that shit out because I’m currently terrified that this is possible and just a toothbrushing session away. I’m back and Google was a bit inconclusive on this. I believe it’s because it can be awfully difficult to compose a proper search string for this question. Dear Google, can you brush your teeth so hard because you are completely distracted and paying very little to no attention to what you are doing that you brush pieces of your ACTUAL GUMS OFF OF YOUR …. whatever is below your gums. Also, dear Google, what is under my gums? I’m now feeling panicked that I don’t know? I’ve carved pumpkins before and once you remove their teeth and gums THERE’S NOTHING THERE!!!! I have to say that my Google searches did not make me feel better and I do believe that my brain has taken some fabulous notes on nightmare materials for the upcoming evenings. I can hardly wait!

But anyway, the purpose of this whole ridiculous post was to ask why for the love of all that is sane and good are there so few gentle toothbrushes out there. Medium appears to mean this-toothbrush-will-carve-off-your-enamel-with-one-swipe-we-aren’t-even-kidding-and-is-not-meant-for-you-total-wusses-seriously in the toothbrush ratings vernacular. Soft appears to mean this-toothbrush-is-acceptable-for-normal-people-only-don’t-even-try-to-use-it-sensitive-tooth-people-you-dumbasses. Sensitive appears to mean use-this-toothbrush-for-your-ridiculously-high-maintenance-teeth-you-pathetic-loser-also-how-did-you-like-having-to-buy-it-online-because-it’s-not-available-in-stores-ANYWHERE-how-ya-like-them-apples? Fortunately, I love my toothbrushes, and I’m ok having to buy them online. I do wish that there wasn’t an obvious disgust for those of us with the sensitive teeth, and stores around town would rush to stock these sensitive bad boys. But oh well, I’ll just keep ordering them and paying the SHIPPING THAT AMOUNTS TO THE SAME EXACT AMOUNT AS THE EXACT TOOTHBRUSH COST. Ahem. I do apologize. But I do feel that the shipping cost insanity warranted some hollering.

Feed my skull resident...

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