I hate being recorded because I don’t trust recording devices. You never know when one of those things will go rogue, and next thing you know you’re supposedly crooning crap pop tunes and you’ve squandered whatever meager street cred you’ve managed to accumulate over the years.
I feel nothing but pity for those poor unfortunate souls who receive voicemail messages from me. Particularly if they need to extract anything useful from the message. Good luck, suckers! Unless they are business-related or important in some way, my voicemail messages are horrible, rambling affairs that should really be accompanied by a transcript to aid in interpretation. If they are business-related or important, I prepare for them. Because of that rogue thing. I get my script together in my head. And I follow it. To the letter. Because otherwise? This is typically how my voicemail messages go:
- Random opening that somehow never seems to include a greeting. It often goes like this. “I don’t know how I missed your call.” OR “This has been a crazy day. I meant to call you yesterday.” OR once embarrassingly “Oh my gosh! Did you see that?!? I think I just hit a suicide squirrel.”
- Second comment is often oddly “Hold on for a second.” as if the recording will pause momentarily at my command.
- I inquire as to how you are doing or where you are or whazzup. Why the outdated and pathetic “Whazzup!?!” continues to show up in my interactions despite my attempts to banish it forever? I still do not know.
- I usually like to insert a humorous anecdote here. It’s never funny for the person who’s stuck listening to it. Often when I recall what I’ve left on the message, I turn bright red and berate myself for five minutes at how lame I am.
- The reason I called begins to surface at this point but is not fully explained because where is the fun in that?
- Next comment is usually an apology of sorts for not getting to the point sooner and often contains the greeting. Uncomfortable, forced laughter (heh hehs) are often found at this juncture.
- Now, I’ll mention who I am.
- At this point, I’ll begin to discuss the reason for the voicemail again; however, I’ll stop mid-sentence here as I’ve run out of time to leave my message.
- The next message will be from me. The opening is always either “I’ve got to stop leaving these crazy, rambling voicemails.” OR “Bet you hoped you wouldn’t hear from me again.”
- I will now FINALLY get to the reason I called.
- I will hang up unceremoniously often without any sort of goodbye.
- You will close your eyes and hope desperately that I lose your number.
My parents would now like me to say that I was raised by wolves.