I was going to throw together a helpful infographic for this one showing the important things to avoid if you’ve got curly hair. But then I remembered all the text I would need to fit on it, and I realized that an infographic couldn’t contain the sheer enormity of it all. I also realized that I should probably apply for the title of Queen of Verbosity. There is probably some sort of sash and tiara combo that goes along with that, but whatever. What I’m really excited about is the giant stash of cash that I’m positive must go along with that coveted title. Not that anybody really wants to be known for not being able to shut up, but if the words Queen or King of precede a noun, surely that would imply some sort of covetability, right? Also, covetability is currently not a word if you believe so-called dictionaries, but that has never stopped me before. I’ve petitioned to have many words become official. Well, not really petitioned, so much as just added them to my own personal lexicon  (often spontaneously and ad hoc) and expected people to accept them into conversation without any ruckus. I used couch potato as a verb the other day. I had to resolve the whole -ing situation as it was present progressive tense, too. I’m hardcore, people.

Wow, that was a bit of a tangent.

So, I was going to provide some DOs and DON’Ts regarding practices and situations that register high to severe on the threat level meter for curly-haired people. And without further ado…

  • DO enter into relationships (either long-term or short) with headwear after the most thoughtful and careful consideration only. If you’re serious about that relationship, get really serious about a few test runs with that fashion item before you make the commitment. Is it not fashion-related? Well then, why in the world are you bothering? Oh, it’s for a weather situation? Like a stocking hat for cold days. Pardon me while I guffaw. Go ahead and purchase one of those bad boys. Do know that you will never wear it unless you are in some sort of frostbite-friendly situation. And even still you probably won’t wear it. Hey, don’t hate on me. I’m just trying to help you not have items laying about your house unused like I do. But whatever. You do you. I’m still serious about the test runs. Notice the plural there. Maybe have a friend (a real friend) with you for the test runs. During each test, it’s imperative that you view yourself from all angles. Before you place the headwear, while the headwear is in place, and, perhaps most significantly, AFTER the headwear is removed. Trust me on this, people.
  • DO have a trained specialist – a curly-hair ninja – cut your hair. Just like you’d only have a doo-doo ninja take care of a really horrific situation such as Abbi’s in Broad City, you’ve got to have a trained professional wrangle the curls. One too many ‘shroom hairstyles has taught me this. There’s a reason a curly-hair ninja cuts your hair when it’s dry. Take it away, Ilana. (Ilana is also a curly girl. Nice, right?)

  • DON’T wash your hair every day. Oh, I see your horrified face and hear your gasps. It’s ok. I know some of you are making retching noises right now, but that’s because you’re behind on hair grooming recommendations. That’s on you, buddy. So, shut it, Judge Judy or George.
  • DON’T brush or comb curly hair that is dry unless absolutely necessary. Exception the first: You have been triple-dog-dared. Exception the second: You wish to conduct a static electricity experiment. Heh, conduct.

And the most important practice that people with curly locks should never attempt?

  • DON’T wash your hair too close to bedtime without allowing sufficient dry time. (Or unless you have a braiding sort of thing you do for your styling.) That hair has to be fully dry before you sleep on it because going to sleep with wet hair guarantees morning tears. If you do make this mistake, at least sleep on a wet head of hair that is well-conditioned, but styling product-free. If you make the epic mistake of putting styling product on your hair, and then go to sleep with wet hair, you’re probably creating a really impressive hair sculpture during your sleeping hours. It’ll be amazing when you wake up. Then, awe-inspiring. You’ll marvel at that thing for at least 20 minutes or so wondering how on earth that hair on the left side tucked under the three sections from the right, before merging with the section from the top, and then appearing on the back, before once more showing up on the left with giant tufts sprouting from it as if it’s trying to yell at you. You’ll become despondent as you realize that it will take you forever to undo this madness. I can’t tell you how long you’ll spend undoing that artwork. It varies greatly and depends entirely on your skill level. If your skill level is low like mine, and you’ve awakened late after indulging your love of the snooze button? May the odds be ever in your favor.

Feed my skull resident...

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