I’m not a patient person, but after my dream the night before Halloween, I knew patience would be required. After all it was Dave Grohl. And they are just releasing an album. So, he probably has some work to do to get himself unhinged from the band and all. I can wait. I’ve got to get my family prepared for the lengthy road tour we’re about to launch.

I should probably give more backstory here. See, I dreamed that Dave Grohl, another band member (I’ll get back to this), and I were in a band. They were doing all the heavy lifting and allowing me to lip-sync a song or two each set just to placate me. But then one magical night the karaoke machine broke. Don’t quiz me on this part. My brain is sorely under-prepared to provide realistic details for this portion of the dream. I mean, come on, brain! A karaoke machine?? Anyway, the karaoke machine broke. Dave and the other band member looked at me and said, “Well, looks like we’ll just have to cut your part tonight. Tough break.” And I said, “NO, I’ve totally got this.” You know how to play “I Don’t Care Anymore” by Phil Collins, right? — Ed Note: I’m very surprised my brain didn’t supply a Garbage song here. I can sing the hell out of just about any Garbage song. But Phil Collins? Not so much. I haven’t been practicing. Thanks, brain. Trying to ruin my audition!! — They looked at me. And then at each other. Then they gave me a chance to say, “Oh heh, of course you do. Anyway, I can totally sing that. I’m going to sing the shit out of that. Listen up.” So I sang it. And they looked at me consideringly. Dave says, “Look, you actually aren’t bad at all. But you have to commit to it. Sing it loud and proud.” Dream Dave Grohl is a little nerdy, but also pretty inspiring. Plus, I get the sense Dream Dave Grohl is sick of being the frontman. He just wants to get back to his drums. It’s been a long time away from the sticks for him, and he wants to get back there in his seat and swing that hair of his. It’s a sense I get. He didn’t say anything directly. The dream ended here because SOMEONE woke me up. I’m quite displeased because I think I would have gotten the details on the tour that I needed had I been able to remain asleep for just a little while longer. Is that too much to ask?

About that other band member. I thought it was a dude from Metallica. You know how dreams are sometimes, right? Dave Grohl was clearly the main character playing opposite me, and the other band member was merely a supporting character. So my brain kept trying to confuse me. At one point it seemed to be Kirk Hammett. But then, weirdly, it seemed to be Rob Halford from Judas Priest. Very very strange. Also, brain? They look NOTHING alike. So, how did you come up with trying to doppleganger those two??

After I woke up from my dream, I began preparing my family for my extended absence. And I even made a small joking mention of it at work. I didn’t want them all to think I’ve become conceited because Grohl picked me for this opportunity or anything. But as time passes and I’ve received no phone call from Dave, Hammett, or Halford or any of their people, I’m beginning to suspect that this may not be a thing that is going to happen.

And then, last night, I was watching Homeland, and it struck me that poor man’s Dave Grohl was on there. Which made me very very sad. Because the whole reason I was certain that I was going on tour was because there was no reason for me to be dreaming about Dave Grohl in the first place. I hadn’t listened to the Foo Fighters in months. (Sorry, Dave and co.) And then I realized where my stupid, traitorous brain came up with Grohl as a prominent dream figure. Because of stupid poor man’s Dave Grohl on Homeland who orchestrated the hit on Sandy and then tricked Saul (btw, shame on you, Saul — come on, man!) into following him into the men’s for some neck hypo stabbing.

Stupid brain. Why can’t we get along??? I think I could kick some serious ass on a tour. Karaoke machine probably not even necessary. But maybe we should pack it just in case.

Feed my skull resident...

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