I’m cold-natured. If everyone around me is wearing one layer, I’m probably wearing two. OK, sometimes there’s a stealth layer. I’m big enough to admit it. I might add a scarf, too. And gloves. Fingerless. Because I need to be productive at work, yo. If it’s atypically cold and my body hasn’t had time to adjust, I gotta pull out the crazy-cold formula to determine how many layers to apply before venturing out of the house. Recently, people around me have been wearing two layers

Made you look, huh? When I say lubrication, I’m speaking specifically of saliva because I’m an overenthusiastic producer of said substance. For example, I recently went to the dentist to get a crown done. Small segue. Do you think the teeth who sport crowns are lording it over the other teeth? (Hee. “Lording it” scores me at least half a point, right?) Are they all, “I have a crown. I’m tooth royalty. You are merely a tooth. But I? I

I guess I have a tendency to be clumsy, but I kind of congratulate myself on the ability to hide it. At least mostly. This comes from YEARS of practice. I wobble on a too tall shoe, but nobody notices because I turn it into my distinctive way of walking in those shoes. But, lately I’ve noticed a tendency to become chew-the-scenery clumsy. And I’m pretty heartbroken about the whole thing. Being clumsy but not actually appearing clumsy was my

So, I was at the dentist the other day, and I realized that I’m going to have to go all scientisty (Yes, it IS a word. But just trust me on that. There’s no need to verify it.) and create a detachable tongue. I’ve been involved in a letter-writing campaign (not really: see website name) imploring scientists to devise a tongue upgrade that I could purchase because my dentist appointments are just becoming so increasingly uncomfortable that I feel certain they

Have you seen such a woman? One you see desperately trying to compose herself during some performance or sports event where her progeny has done something that seems to have sent her to boo hoo town? I realize you are unable to look away, but please try to do so for her sake. She will be ever so grateful for your kindness as she makes an utter fool of herself. You are unable to understand what in the wide world

I have this fantasy of being a superhero. THE SUPERHERO BANISHING THE WORLD OF CLUTTER. I’m in the gang with all the other superheroes. Because who else are you going to hang with. Everyone else is so pathetic, what with being ordinary and all. Anyway, we’d be meeting for strategy sessions all the time, and they’d be talking about their plans for evil-banishing and such, and I’d have to be all “working without a net” because I’d be the only