I really participate fully in my dreams. When that giant lion appears and roars to signal that the feature is about to start, I’m all in, baby. (I just indicated that my nocturnal playground is run by MGM. That’s extremely unsettling. I’ve relinquished all creative control to a third party. P.S. This is not true. My crazy, lovable—she-made-me-type-that—brain is running the show.) Anyway, as I was saying, I am an all-the-way-in participant in my dreams. Therefore, I am a strong believer that I can count my dream experiences as 60% real-life experiences. Although, I do use a sliding scale for reasons that should be obvious. I wing it based on dream content. If it’s a scary dream, I might adjust down so as not to tempt fate and move that percentage baby right on down to 0% with a nervous “Heh, that was so totally unrealistic. Axes are, like, NEVER used. It’s so 80’s. No self-respecting murderer would ever wield an axe. Heh. Good one, brain.” And then I would travel directly to Anna’s sunny yellow room, plop myself immediately onto the floor in the Lotus position (I have no idea what that position is, but I bet it involves pretzeling my legs up, and I can totally do that shit.), and begin to do meditation-like activities (I have no idea what that would look like either, but I bet they involve closing my eyes, and duh, I DO sleep like a freaking champion, so I sure think I could accomplish that. Plus, isn’t there some heavy breathing? Well, I’ve been known to exercise, so I’m positive I can reenact my breathing at the end of the exercising and grasping onto whatever is nearby while panting just to remain upright, and….wait. Scratch the second part with the grasping at things to retain my balance. I’m on the floor in a pretzel shape. It’s all good.) I’ve had 75% real-life experiences with certain people of a famous nature. Hi, Clive Owen and Jon Hamm! We went on a camping trip a year ago. Obviously, I adjusted the sliding scale on that one. Obviously. It might be closer to 85% if you’re expecting me to be totally honest with you. Let it go, will you? The other night I had a scintillating dream whereby my family had acquired a second toaster to devote to gluten-free bread items. It was a difficult decision to make, but I left the slider at 60% for that dream. Geez brain, what a ridiculous dream, and how wasteful! I’ll toast the damn bread in the oven if I absolutely must, but I really haven’t missed the toast enough to justify the purchase of another stupid toaster and then dream about it like it’s just that awesome. Priorities, you gelatinous monster.

So, last night’s dream involved my first foray on a unicycle, and I can tell you that I’m glad I went ahead and experienced this first in a dream. I didn’t recognize any of the spectators, so that prevented me a LOT of embarrassment. Surprisingly, I got up on that unicycle and handled it like a pro. Pro-ish. Like an amateur. Not like a first-timer. Like a first-timer, but not like a baby. There. That’s something to celebrate. There’s a local magician who does amazing things while on a unicycle. My prowess on the unicycle had exactly nothing in common with his. However, I was eventually able to remain upright and move from one place to another. And then there was this one part of the dream where I was able to balance on the unicycle without moving anywhere. This is the point in any dream where you know things are about to turn. You know that point. When things have gone from improbable to impossible? Yeah, things took a turn. And fast. Suddenly, there was a downhill situation impossible for me to avoid because I was at the top (the very peak) of a mountain I had not climbed to justify my descent. No, I didn’t take a minute to rejoice in the fact that I hadn’t had to make that climb on a UNICYCLE. I took a minute to watch my life flash before me because the descent was very similar to one you might take with a parachute attached to your back after a planned disembarkation from a plane. But my brain pushed me (I felt her gelatinous mass do it!), and off I went. Very fortunately, I lost the ability to pilot the unicycle immediately. And just as quickly woke up. I really didn’t want to participate in that dream any longer. However, I’m counting this as my first, and clearly last, unicycle experience. If someone asks me if I’ve ever been on a unicycle, I’ll answer, “Yes, 60%.”

Feed my skull resident...

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