Greetings sir/madam, I believe you are in the possession of a doll that bears a striking resemblance to me? And you have been placing things of a pointy nature in this doll hoping to cause me pain for your entertainment? Further, you are concentrating your efforts on a particular body part because you are a sadistic turd? I implore you to grant my foot a day free from injury. Please congratulate yourself on a job well done as my foot

I’ve seen this complete ad exactly twice: Subaru Ad “First Day of School” And the reason for that is the spontaneous descent into WTH? crying. You know what WTH? crying is, right? That’s the crying where you are like WHAT THE HELL? because you are crying way too hard for the current set of circumstances to justify. The first time I watched it I was reminded of the kids’ first days of school and I thought that nostalgia kick might explain

So, it turns out there was a reason my brother was running around town with this period-appropriate hair for what seemed like eternity. He got the chance to be in this little film you might have heard about and played this pivotal role: Scene Extra #347. I suppose he’ll forgive Daniel Day-Lewis’ neglecting to mention him in his Oscar acceptance speech. Danny spent an inordinate amount of time talking about Meryl Streep who wasn’t even in the movie. And certainly

I can say from experience that lab puppies suck at telling time but seem to feel that they have a pretty good handle on it. Every hour or so depending on her nap schedule she finds me to give me her “It’s time!” face.  It’s time! It’s time! It’s time! If I don’t take her seriously, she escalates to insistent barking and takes up her vigil near the bowl as a helpful reminder of the location where I need to

While I was retrieving supplies for dinner, a tube of tomato paste performed a triple flip combination and positioned itself perfectly in the air to deliver an excruciating blow to my middle toe. And the specificity of the attack intrigued me. Of all the locations on the foot, the tomato paste chose the middle toe for its assault. I suspect a spirited session of trash talking induced the attack. Whatever the reason, the tomato paste elicited the support of a

Dear Brain, I’m sure it’s exhausting to find dream content night after night. So sprinkling celebrities in sometimes keeps things fresh for me and eases your immense burden. However, I’d like to strongly suggest that unless a cowbell is prominently featured, Christopher Walken really shouldn’t be starring. Dude is seriously creepy. How about substituting Jon Hamm or Clive Owen? They are always welcome. Love, Me