I got a new Mini. I initially selected grey based on the advice of others (because RESALE!), but I wanted the volcanic orange from the start. Since Sebastian’s promised he’s never going to leave me, screw resale. But in the event I do ever have to part ways with my baby, I did get the four-door. *sigh*

Here’s Sebastian:

Mini Cooper S Manual

Sebastian (Cheeky chap named himself)

Here’s Sebastian’s ass: (Don’t worry. He’s not shy. Also, he’s a car.)

Mini Cooper S Manual

Sebastian requested a little extra striping on his tushie.

As I’ve been tooling around town in my new boyfriend, I’ve spotted some interesting sights.

To wit:

  • My kid and I spotted a fellow doing some serious flossing work on his teeth while driving. And I mean SERIOUS flossing work. You know that flossing is a two-handed operation, right? Those of you that engage in that activity? I feel that activity is best done by my hygienist, because I’d hate to deprive them of that satisfaction. Of course, I also participate in a few sessions of spirited flossing in preparation for a dental visit, so I can answer in the affirmative when questioned about it by my hygienist. But it’s not the type of thing I’d ever even think about doing in my car. While driving. For many, many reasons. First, ewwwwwwwwwwww. Just ewwwwwwwwwwwww. And second, dude, put a hand on the wheel. For steering. We, as fellow travelers, are quite concerned about your ability to navigate the streets.
  • What is the deal with this van in the picture below? What’s the purpose of that antenna? I definitely feel that the problems that van is encountering as far as clearance mean that the antenna is a critical add-on. Therefore, I can only conclude that this van is not the innocuous vehicle it appears to be on the outside. Let’s all flex our imagination muscles and see what we can come up with as to the purpose of this vehicle and its occupants, huh? I’ve already been hard at work. I’m giving myself sparkle points for the more ridiculous explanations. You should do the same.

    Why the antenna, people?!?

    Why the antenna, people?!?

OK, next topic. I’ve saved the very best for last. This is comedy gold, people. At least in my opinion.
My daughter said that the school nurse came by to talk to all of her class about hygiene. I’m going to include a paraphrase of what she said. I think this is pretty close, but I’ll say it’s a paraphrase hoping that it’s much less offensive than this.

Ok, girls and, mostly, boys,
I’ve been noticing a weird smell coming from this grade level.
Now, I just wanted to give you a reminder to make sure to shower and use soap in the places that smell more than the others. *gestured to pits and privates*
And if you haven’t already, start using deodorant. I have a few samples in my office.

Now, I’m not sure how much hand-holding I need to do here. We can all agree that there are many points in that “helpful hygiene huddle” at which we, as normal humans, might have stepped in and said, “Um, a word, school nurse?” When my daughter came home and told me about this, and it was obvious that she was unaffected, I was rolling around in laughter so extreme that I was crying, because WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK??!!?? Since she was clearly not scarred by the interaction, we just talked through the inappropriateness of it and enjoyed the humor of it, because I’ve found that humor is the best way to approach things like this whenever it’s an available avenue. I can only hope all the other kids in the 5th grade are similarly unaffected.

There’s unfortunately more. One of the girls decided to avail herself of some sweet, free deo. She escorted herself on down to the nurse’s domain and returned with some lovely tampons and pads, because….. Look, there’s no reasonable explanation at all for why she would return with menstrual supplies. So, my girl and I rolled with it and came up with reasons for the swapping in of tampons and pads for deo and ended up on the floor rolling with laughter. Because it’s kind of what you have to do in these situations. So, here’s what we came up with. Well, some of what we came up with. Some of it was too ridiculous for me to share. You won’t believe this, but I don’t tell you guys everything.

  • Clearly, the nurse gave the child tampons to be used in place of deo because they are slender and can be discreetly placed in the pit where they would soak up any sweat, rendering the sweat powerless to produce odor. Also, perhaps the tampons were scented. Double duty. Additionally, I have to assume there was a comedy goal in providing tampons for a deo sub because you’d have to walk around with your arms glued to your sides just to keep those suckers in place. That’d make the school day awfully interesting for your fellow school denizens, as they observe your attempts to manage almost any task during the day, no? Oh man, I didn’t even think of the fun that summer temps would present. With the string? People wouldn’t be able to resist pulling that little guy, and they’d be presented with a sweat-soaked surprise. Huzzah!
    [Ed. Note: I really should edit these suckers. What I meant here was that the little string-a-ma-jobbie is accessible during the summer because of attire, where it’s all tucked away during the cold months. Context, Stephanie. You’re stupid. Love, you.]
  • The pads were provided as a superior alternative to the tampons because STICKY! They can be stuck to the shirt, thereby giving the former stink sufferer full operation of the arms. Raising your arms is impossible when attempting to keep that dastardly tampon in place. Not so with your friendly pad. Oh sure, the pad is large and unwieldy, and all of your friends are pointing at you and your pit diaper. But your friends stink, and you are odor-free.

My kid’s school nurse is crazy, yo. I think this may have been a substitute school nurse. If so, sorry, regular school nurse. I have no evidence whatsoever that you are crazy. But your sub is nutty as hell.


Feed my skull resident...

Comments (4)

  1. Reply

    The car: Black wheels and strips nice. Checkered side view mirrors the best. Is it auto or manual trans? Four doors a must w the kids right? Is this the daily driver or is there a Toyoto Sienna minivan that got booted out of the garage? Flossing: The “spirited flossing” a few days b4 the dentist visit has not served me well. I just sit there and try to be the friendliest, appreciative and most cooperative patient they’ve seen that day. This doesn’t seem to matter when the receptionist ask VISA or Mastercard. Toothpicks or that combo floss/toothpick plastic thingy may be safer for driving. Antenna: Is this one of those self driving cars I’ve been hearing about? Perhaps this is an early model tracking system that concerned parents use to monitor their child’s driving behavior and location (flip phone version). 5th grade hygiene: The paraphrased version seemed appropriate to me. Calling out an entire grade level rather than one specific class or person is fine. Can you imagine working at a school? The problems are constant. (Kinda like transit operations) We gotta cut those administrators a little slack. Since we raise boys, 10 & 13, all that female product stuff will not be commented on. We are thankful and I will move on. Words I had to look up in dictionary: 1: denizen. Enjoy Sebastian.

    • Reply

      It looks like my reaction may be an outlier. That “weird smell” phrasing is just unfortunate and feels like a body shaming kind of way to approach it. Since the kids have already had the assembly on this for the year, it seemed strange for the nurse to just pop by for this. But your point about addressing everyone en masse is certainly a good one. I appreciate your perspective. I like how balanced your view always is on these things.

      As for Sebastian, it’s manual transmission, and it’s my car. No van backup. Hence the four doors, as you said.

      Love your flip phone comparison and idea for what that giant-antenna-sporting van is up to. It’s the beta version, right? They’ll have something a little less conspicuous by the time we need to monitor our kids. 😉

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