Come on brain! We should be allies!

Some days I think my brain is entertaining herself by making me look like a fool. When I’m going to her for keywords, she’s happy to respond, but she does so in a fashion guaranteed to give her the best opportunity for chuckles. She bundles the word I need with another word that isn’t quite right for one reason or another. Maybe it’s not right for the audience because it’s inappropriate. Or maybe it’s an antonym. Or a euphemism. She delights in doing this to me, and if I’m not careful I’m stuck looking like a complete moron. For example:

  • The other day I was talking to JT about something related to jerkitude (middle school is socially hard, y’all!) and when I was consulting my brain for the word jerk, she gave me the bundle of jerk + jackhole. Well, I ended up saying jack before my mouth clamped shut as I realized what she had done. I silently chewed her out and then faked an audible chuckle and corrected myself with JT. Ha ha, I meant jerk. See, she’s good. She could have given me the bundle of jerk + douche and I would have had no trouble selecting the appropriate word. But no. Stupid brain.
  • Last night I was looking for cubby. My brain bundled cubby + cubicle. So, I told JT to put his shoes in his cubicle. Stupid brain!
  • A while ago in mixed company I was looking for fiasco. She bundled as such: fiasco + CF. I was in a group that included kids. Of course that one was easily sidestepped and I used the correct word. But I spent the rest of the conversation completely zoned out of it while I fixated on the alternate-world conversation with me using CF. Where the kids are all, “What does CF mean?” And then after I feel compelled (for some inexplicable reason) to explain it to them, the adults are all, “Why would you use that word around kids!?!” Stupid brain!!
  • I was talking to someone I was trying to impress a few weeks ago. As I was leaving, I wanted a synonym for laugh that conveyed more playfulness. In a diabolical checkmate move, she gave me giggle + jiggle. I delivered the wrong word over my shoulder because I was already thinking about my next errand, and I never got the chance to correct myself because the other person was gone. Stupid brain!!! She laughed as she gleefully revisited that one for days. And I cringed every time she relived the memory.

She’s a formidable opponent, but she’s all I’ve got, people.

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