This little piggy makes me want to run screaming all the way home.

I hate feet AND those stupid, stupid toes. The little piggy shtick? Useless. You can’t make up this little ditty and negate the nastiness associated with feet. Also, why do toes always need to be all flappy and attention-hoggy. Stay still you little turds. You are annoying and you need to stop drawing attention to yourselves.

If your feet are bare and in my vicinity, I’m not paying attention to anything you are saying because I’m casting surreptitious glances at your feet to determine whether or not my invisible circle of sanity has been breached forcing my relocation. I’m trying desperately to maintain the thread of the conversation so that I can interject something relevant and hurriedly refocus on your feet preparing for any movement into my safety zone. I fully admit that I’m nuts, but I don’t know what sort of rigorous bathing campaign you have for your feet nor do I know whether or not your feet bear me ill will or not. You know, some feet aren’t all that easygoing. Now, if you think I’m all rude and unforgiving about your feet, please understand that I’m equally disgusted and mistrustful of all feet including my own. I’d stand on my ankles if it wasn’t a ridiculous exercise in balance. Since I’m forced to deal with my own feet, I enforce a daily bathing campaign that would make my soap manufacturer very happy. I ensure that my face and hands remain at the optimum distance away from my feet at all times, and I don’t look at them unless it’s absolutely necessary. Touching them is out of the question unless I’m in the midst of the daily bathing process.

When each of my kids were babies, there was a brief period when their baby feet were the exception to my foot phobia, and I could tolerate and almost enjoy being in their company. You see the photos of loving parents getting all busy with their baby’s feet. Yeah, that wasn’t my bag ever. But I looked at them often with affection, or at least with tolerance. Without disgust. But then one day while bathing my little tot I discovered that my baby had gained the ability to manufacture toe cheese. I’m sure I’m supposed to use a precious term for the fuzz junk between the little toes, but who cares because no matter how you phrase it you’re left with nasty!!! And tolerance affair OVER. It has certainly not improved as they’ve gotten older. Despite parents’ best hygiene-training efforts, kids’ knees and south only see suds when they drift down thanks to gravity. By the time they reach the feet, the suds have dispersed and it’s mostly ineffectual water. Plain ol’ H20 looking at all that feet stank saying, YO!, this is way above my pay grade.

I don’t discriminate between feet in person and feet in the two-dimensional world. I should never have a snack or meal in front of the TV because you can be sure someone’s going to whip out a foot just for spite. We love to watch “Survivorman” and I’m clearly brain-damaged because I still sometimes eat while watching that show despite knowing better. Invariably it’s one of the episodes when he’s having a foot issue. I believe these episodes should have a WARNING: GRAPHIC SCENES FOLLOW because this is how it always goes down. He shows his foot THEN tells you, Hey I have this nasty issue with my foot, and it looks like a fungus plus some sort of toenail disease and also open sores. Can you see that? And I’m trying to control my visible retch so that my family doesn’t mock me while I’m like, shit, dude, what’s up with that? How about a blur please? Like when you go all nuditay on us. I’d totally rather check out your junk than your nasty feet. Let’s prioritize the blurring here if there’s some blur limit. If not, let’s get jiggy with the blur and glam cam those nasty things. SIDE NOTE: While we’re blurring stuff, howzabout when you’re snacking on some of those nasty “food items” we do a blur on the really scuzzy ones — like the fish you happened upon that had been laying on the rock for days and you decided OOOH lunch! Or the raw grubs! I mean, please, they are really just large maggots in my book.

This is unrelated to just about anything but my understanding is that the zombies are coming fairly soon, and I’d like to get some facts straight before shit goes down. So, when the zombies come and are snacking on brains, do they need to eat any other body parts? And if so, I’m seriously horrified by the thought that those guys are going to have to snack on a foot. I get it about the brains. A zombie’s gotta eat. But feet? That is NOT ok.

Y’all, I’m not kidding when I say I had to pause to control an instance of visible retch during the composition of this post. ‘Twas the zombies that did it. I feel for those poor suckers should they have to dine on…..I can’t even type it again. I should probably seek help for this. This might go beyond charming eccentricity and into serious nutball.

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