Listen. I know you’re lying.

I’ve heard many people of the straight-hair persuasion talk about how they wish they had curly hair. All the while they are swinging their glorious, shiny, straight hair and looking so pulled together and, well, tidy. There’s a better word, but untidy is the word that I associate with my head suit, so I’m going to use its opposite. I’ve had conversations about hair with you people, and I’m looking at your beautiful heads of hair as you’re saying, I wish I had curly hair.  Of course you’ve never told me you wish you had my hair though you try to pretend that you are including me in the curly-hair community of which you say you’d like to become a member. But you’re looking right at the mess on my head. It would require the ability to maintain a straight face that nobody possesses to sell that statement, so I applaud you on your restraint. So when you say you wish you had curls, it’s based on the curly-haired peeps in mags and on tv, etc. Because curly hair looks kinda effortless, right? I mean it’s all over the place, and you can’t get a read on what exactly is happening up there, so it’s gotta be easy to achieve. But I’m here to tell you that at least in my case, curly hair is a nightmare requiring stupid amounts of haircare products (Don’t believe me? Check out this post.) that only work in certain humidity conditions; or in certain temperature conditions; or when you hold your tongue just so when applying the product; or if you count backwards from 29 while applying the product while wearing only one sock; or if you consume a drink made of groundhog tears, bat saliva, and moose urine before applying the product.

Most days I end up with an 80’s hair situation where my hair enters and leaves rooms minutes before and after I do, and a 5-foot perimeter is wordlessly established around me by fellow space sharers to allow safe passage. If I actually get my hair looking halfway decent, I might catch sight of it in a mirror just 20 minutes later and see that it’s now gone to total shit up there. I’d need a squadron of mini hairdressers in my mane non-stop to help keep things in order for just 4 hours let alone an entire day.

This is sector 1 reporting in. All is under control. We have a few corkscrews, but nothing we can’t manage. We have some minor frizz sightings, but nothing like what we see over in sector 2. Over.

This is sector 2 reporting in. We have a major frizz situation. We are having trouble seeing anything else through the haze of frizz. Clearly the fool didn’t apply any frizz control despite the humidity levels. We’ve sent in 5 of our strongest to tame it, but we lost contact with them long ago and it doesn’t look good. We’ll keep you posted. Over.

This is sector 3 reporting in. We’re dealing with a curl to wave ratio that is seriously out of whack. We’ll be back in touch when we know more. Over.

This is sector 4 reporting in. People, we are all clear. All looks good in sector 4. We are just as shocked to report it as you are to hear it. Over.

This is sector 5 reporting in. We have a product mismatch situation. The idiot applied cream today when we needed a gel. AND she forgot to make sure the hair was at the correct level of dampness. We just…..I mean it’s unbelievable how many times…. Look, we’re not miracle workers. Over.

This is sector 6. We have an emergency. Repeat. We have an emergency. We have a random, completely straight section sticking out from her head over here. It’s sizable and appears to be waving for attention. It makes her look cracked. She cannot afford that!!! Over.

This is sector 3. We’ll be right over. We just got the situation over here under control. Don’t even ask us what it took to get that accomplished. Over. 

So most days I just say ….. Well, I think you can just guess what I say, since, so far, I haven’t unleashed any major profanity bombs here. And my hair is an unstyled tribute to crazy town.