Lexi, don’t eat that! Or that!

Why not?

I guess it’s a good thing dogs are domesticated, as their self-preservation sense isn’t as well-developed as one would hope. For example, I opened a jar of this most incredibly tasty chocolate sauce that I sincerely believe was made by the delicate, loving hands of an as-yet-unspoiled human race with only love in their hearts. Because how else can one explain the heavenly taste of this glorious creation? You cannot produce something so pleasing to the palate if you have hate in your heart. But I digress. My dog began sniffing and sniffing and sniffing. She ran about the room as if in a trance trying to locate the source of the scent tickling her olfactory organ, and when she tracked its location, she stared up at the counter with an obvious stream of plans to retrieve the source of that smell being considered and discarded, considered and discarded. And I find this to be so very disturbing. Chocolate is no friend to her system, and as she is a lab, she would eat that entire jar and certainly perish. So, in fact, chocolate is her nemesis.

It’s not the first time I’ve watched her consume things that she shouldn’t. She stared directly and defiantly into my eyes as she chewed an entire bloom from our gardenia. So, I stared directly and dolefully into her eyes as I dialed the doggie poison control. When they assured me that, though gardenias should never be on the menu because they are slightly toxic (What in the world does slightly toxic mean?) to dogs, Lexi would most likely be fine after some body-cleansing rounds of diarrhea and vomiting. I hung up the phone and glared at her. And then, I gave her a ton of love because I’m a total sucker.

She has eaten a large amount of stuffing from dog toys and dog beds. I have yet to understand this unbelievable idiocy on her part. First, where is the flavor? What can be the possible payoff in that binge session? She invariably yacks the contents up into this giant wad of  inside-out stuffed animal sausage pretty soon after consumption. Often a mere 10-15 minutes later. Can the cause and effect equation really be that difficult to discern?

The really scary time she consumed non-doggie food fare was the time she ended up in the pet hospital. We’re not really certain what she ate, but the vet believes she went shrooming. And I think she might be the source behind all those crazy penis-shaped shrooms we found growing in the backyard this year. Maybe she was cultivating some new species to experiment with extra special trippy times. I don’t know. It’s so hard to talk to her sometimes. When she’s in a mood, there’s just no communicating with her.

But to get back to the whole chocolate obsession, I was pretty concerned and sat her down to have a very serious talk about how she can’t eat people food because a lot of it is very bad for her and can even KILL HER. I made sure to put on my most serious face during this, especially during the utterance “KILL YOU!” though she seemed to be drifting by that point. She’s pretty easily distracted, so while she attended the talk, I’m not really sure how much she took in. I guess it will be a series of talks. I’ll admit that I understand the sweet siren call of this stuff. It’s impossible for me to ignore, too. I’ve almost eaten it by itself. Almost.

Dear Canine Friends,

I’ve found another source of food. I never received supplementation from any of you after my plea for your help when my human parents moved me to two meals a day. I spent weeks sulking about your betrayal. Then, I realized that it was unfair of me to ask for you to help me out when many of you were suffering the same fate. And then, last night, something amazing happened. I found something in the backyard. Something edible. It looked familiar. It looked like the stuff I think comes out of my rear from time to time. But it kinda smelled like my food and maybe a touch like something not quite right. But I soldiered on and took a taste. It tasted ok enough that I think this might be the answer to my hunger and maybe yours. I will say that I’m going to have to be very careful to make sure that my human parents don’t see me. My human dad caught me in mid-taste last night. It was late and dark, so he wasn’t sure what I was up to until I had scarfed down a couple of bites. When he figured it out, guys, he was NOT happy. He was disgusted!! And my human mother is not so good with this type of thing. She will totally have to control a gag reflex. If I can take advantage of the timing, I might be able to scarf a few of ’em down while she’s gagging. Then, she’ll be furious, but by that point, I’ll have had a snack. I wish they didn’t scoop that stuff so often. Maybe I can figure out a way to hide it….