ICYMI: It’s the post that’s had the most views, so it’s probably appropriate to run it again, yes?

Remember I told you my blog is two years old and change? And remember I said I’d be re-running some oldies for fun. In case anybody (Translation: my massive amounts of viewer — Nope, didn’t miss the plural there. There IS no plural there.) missed these posts and felt this nagging feeling that he/she had missed a chance to waste some time reading something that had nothing of value to add to his/her life? Remember that? Well, here you go. And that’s what the ICYMI tag’s all about.

The post is about my hair. You’re shocked.

Listen, I know you’re lying.

Published April 30, 2013

I’ve heard many people of the straight-hair persuasion talk about how they wish they had curly hair. All the while they are swinging their glorious, shiny, straight hair and looking so pulled together and, well, tidy. There’s a better word, but untidy is the word that I associate with my head suit, so I’m going to use its opposite. I’ve had conversations about hair with you people, and I’m looking at your beautiful heads of hair as you’re saying, I wish I had curly hair.  Of course you’ve never told me you wish you had my hair though you try to pretend that you are including me in the curly-hair community of which you say you’d like to become a member. But you’re looking right at the mess on my head. It would require the ability to maintain a straight face that nobody possesses to sell that statement, so I applaud you on your restraint. So when you say you wish you had curls, it’s based on the curly-haired peeps in mags and on tv, etc. Because curly hair looks kinda effortless, right? I mean it’s all over the place, and you can’t get a read on what exactly is happening up there, so it’s gotta be easy to achieve. But I’m here to tell you that at least in my case, curly hair is a nightmare requiring stupid amounts of haircare products (Don’t believe me? Check out this post.) that only work in certain humidity conditions or in certain temperature conditions; or when you hold your tongue just so when applying the product; or if you count backwards from 29 while applying the product while wearing only one sock; or if you consume a drink made of groundhog tears, bat saliva, and moose urine before applying the product.

Most days I end up with an 80’s hair situation where my hair enters and leaves rooms minutes before and after I do, and a 5-foot perimeter is wordlessly established around me by fellow space sharers to allow safe passage. If I actually get my hair looking halfway decent, I might catch sight of it in a mirror just 20 minutes later and see that it’s now gone to total shit up there. I’d need a squadron of mini hairdressers in my mane non-stop to help keep things in order for just 4 hours let alone an entire day.

This is sector 1 reporting in. All is under control. We have a few corkscrews, but nothing we can’t manage. We have some minor frizz sightings, but nothing like what we see over in sector 2. Over.

This is sector 2 reporting in. We have a major frizz situation. We are having trouble seeing anything else through the haze of frizz. Clearly the fool didn’t apply any frizz control despite the humidity levels. We’ve sent in 5 of our strongest to tame it, but we lost contact with them long ago and it doesn’t look good. We’ll keep you posted. Over.

This is sector 3 reporting in. We’re dealing with a curl to wave ratio that is seriously out of whack. We’ll be back in touch when we know more. Over.

This is sector 4 reporting in. People, we are all clear. All looks good in sector 4. We are just as shocked to report it as you are to hear it. Over.

This is sector 5 reporting in. We have a product mismatch situation. The idiot applied cream today when we needed a gel. AND she forgot to make sure the hair was at the correct level of dampness. We just…..I mean it’s unbelievable how many times…. Look, we’re not miracle workers. Over.

This is sector 6. We have an emergency. Repeat. We have an emergency. We have a random, completely straight section sticking out from her head over here. It’s sizable and appears to be waving for attention. It makes her look cracked. She cannot afford that!!! Over.

This is sector 3. We’ll be right over. We just got the situation over here under control. Don’t even ask us what it took to get that accomplished. Over. 

So most days I just say ….. Well, I think you can just guess what I say, since, so far, I haven’t unleashed any major profanity bombs here. And my hair is an unstyled tribute to crazy town.

It’s another post about curly hair. With a Broad City doo-doo ninja reference. Win-win!

I was going to throw together a helpful infographic for this one showing the important things to avoid if you’ve got curly hair. But then I remembered all the text I would need to fit on it, and I realized that an infographic couldn’t contain the sheer enormity of it all. I also realized that I should probably apply for the title of Queen of Verbosity. There is probably some sort of sash and tiara combo that goes along with that, but whatever. What I’m really excited about is the giant stash of cash that I’m positive must go along with that coveted title. Not that anybody really wants to be known for not being able to shut up, but if the words Queen or King of precede a noun, surely that would imply some sort of covetability, right? Also, covetability is currently not a word if you believe so-called dictionaries, but that has never stopped me before. I’ve petitioned to have many words become official. Well, not really petitioned, so much as just added them to my own personal lexicon  (often spontaneously and ad hoc) and expected people to accept them into conversation without any ruckus. I used couch potato as a verb the other day. I had to resolve the whole -ing situation as it was present progressive tense, too. I’m hardcore, people.

Wow, that was a bit of a tangent.

So, I was going to provide some DOs and DON’Ts regarding practices and situations that register high to severe on the threat level meter for curly-haired people. And without further ado…

  • DO enter into relationships (either long-term or short) with headwear after the most thoughtful and careful consideration only. If you’re serious about that relationship, get really serious about a few test runs with that fashion item before you make the commitment. Is it not fashion-related? Well then, why in the world are you bothering? Oh, it’s for a weather situation? Like a stocking hat for cold days. Pardon me while I guffaw. Go ahead and purchase one of those bad boys. Do know that you will never wear it unless you are in some sort of frostbite-friendly situation. And even still you probably won’t wear it. Hey, don’t hate on me. I’m just trying to help you not have items laying about your house unused like I do. But whatever. You do you. I’m still serious about the test runs. Notice the plural there. Maybe have a friend (a real friend) with you for the test runs. During each test, it’s imperative that you view yourself from all angles. Before you place the headwear, while the headwear is in place, and, perhaps most significantly, AFTER the headwear is removed. Trust me on this, people.
  • DO have a trained specialist – a curly-hair ninja – cut your hair. Just like you’d only have a doo-doo ninja take care of a really horrific situation such as Abbi’s in Broad City, you’ve got to have a trained professional wrangle the curls. One too many ‘shroom hairstyles has taught me this. There’s a reason a curly-hair ninja cuts your hair when it’s dry. Take it away, Ilana. (Ilana is also a curly girl. Nice, right?)
  • DON’T wash your hair every day. Oh, I see your horrified face and hear your gasps. It’s ok. I know some of you are making retching noises right now, but that’s because you’re behind on hair grooming recommendations. That’s on you, buddy. So, shut it, Judge Judy or George.
  • DON’T brush or comb curly hair that is dry unless absolutely necessary. Exception the first: You have been triple-dog-dared. Exception the second: You wish to conduct a static electricity experiment. Heh, conduct.

And the most important practice that people with curly locks should never attempt?

  • DON’T wash your hair too close to bedtime without allowing sufficient dry time. (Or unless you have a braiding sort of thing you do for your styling.) That hair has to be fully dry before you sleep on it because going to sleep with wet hair guarantees morning tears. If you do make this mistake, at least sleep on a wet head of hair that is well-conditioned, but styling product-free. If you make the epic mistake of putting styling product on your hair, and then go to sleep with wet hair, you’re probably creating a really impressive hair sculpture during your sleeping hours. It’ll be amazing when you wake up. Then, awe-inspiring. You’ll marvel at that thing for at least 20 minutes or so wondering how on earth that hair on the left side tucked under the three sections from the right, before merging with the section from the top, and then appearing on the back, before once more showing up on the left with giant tufts sprouting from it as if it’s trying to yell at you. You’ll become despondent as you realize that it will take you forever to undo this madness. I can’t tell you how long you’ll spend undoing that artwork. It varies greatly and depends entirely on your skill level. If your skill level is low like mine, and you’ve awakened late after indulging your love of the snooze button? May the odds be ever in your favor.

I think I’m sending mixed signals.

My hair says, “Let’s go to the beach, people! Let’s go right now! Drop everything you’re holding and let’s go, or you are a complete waste of my time!” The rest of my appearance says, “Let’s complete a logic puzzle right now! Or a book! Yes, a book! Come on! YAY! Wait, why are you giving me that face?”

I know I’ve talked about my hair before. You’re sick of it. I get it. But it’s been a bit of a problem area in my life at times. For example, in middle and high school, it was just a really large mass on my head occupying a small country’s share of real estate. It commanded so much of my attention that I was barely able to exist back then, let alone navigate the social and educational minefields that I was trying to meander through. By college, I was able to negotiate an uneasy truce with the mass on my head. We’ve had some good times and some bad times since then. There was a time where I thought it would be a good idea to get a perm (!!!) on the advice of a hairstylist who had surely been sent to me straight from Satan himself. I was able to hunker down and wait for the perm to grow out. I made it through ok, and my loved ones were ok as well. I’m reasonably certain that I didn’t harm any strangers in those long, long months waiting for that perm to grow out, but I really can’t say for certain. People have eyes, you know. I can say that no civil suits were brought against me for pain and suffering caused by the sight of my voluminous, frizzy hair explosion, so I consider that a personal victory. Recently, I’ve grown to actually like, if not love, my hair thanks to the curly hair-trained specialists at Bombshell who taught me some key styling steps as well as to NEVER BRUSH MY HAIR. You’re aghast. Or you’re not surprised. I don’t know. But with curly hair, brushes are to frizz as blogging is to oversharing. Wait, that’s not a good analogy. Let me try again. Brushes are to frizz as …. You know what, I’ll let it stand. I’m thinking back to some of my posts, and the analogy isn’t that far off.

I was meeting with my business partner a couple of days ago (I’m starting a business! YIPPEE!!), and she mentioned offhandedly that I was a preppy. And I immediately dropped my head in shame, as you should when accused of this, and conceded the truth in the statement. I’ve never veered from this awful state of dress. It’s saddening. I wish I’d gone through a fun goth stage to mix things up at least. Sure, with my crazy locks, a goth stage could not be sustained for long, but preppy is not a look that goes with my head suit either. When I first met one of my college roommates, I distinctly remember her slam on my ridiculous number of khakis. She called them tackies. I remember thinking to myself, “Good one, Lisa,” while struggling mightily to come up with some sort of retort. She wasn’t dressed much better — it wasn’t a great time for fashion — but the slam was legendary.  But I dress very conservatively. Like a banker. Or an accountant. Nothing against those professions, obviously. I’m married to a banker, and I think he’s all kinds of hot. But if you look at me while shielding your eyes to block out my hair, you might want to hand over your tax paperwork to me, so I could prepare your taxes. Let me caution you not to do that, however. You will not get a refund. You will probably owe the government thousands of dollars. However, I could compose a kick-ass letter to the government, which I could submit along with that hefty check you’re sending them (incorrectly, because I did your taxes wrong in the first place, but why do you want to focus on the negative, huh?) that would convince Uncle Sam to send that check right back to you along with a bunch of extra cash. OK, maybe not. But I could compose a kick-ass letter to the government that would make them chuckle. How about that? Does that help? Probably not. Anyway, it was probably inevitable that this stupid style of dress would stick forever because I was obsessed when I was an impressionable kid with this book.  I was too young to be the target audience, but I enjoyed reading it because it was funny and ridiculous. I already dressed similarly, so there was stupid validation within its plaid cover. Way to go, Birnbach. This is all on you.

The Official Preppy Handbook
The Official Preppy Handbook

Do you hear that? It’s the angels singing about this hair care product.

What? Don’t you think angels have to style their hair? OK, you’re probably right. Whatever, angels, all having things happen automagically because of the heaven thing. You don’t know from hair problems. Annnnnnyyyyyyyyway, I bought a travel kit of DevaCurl products because my hair is addicted to those magic potions after only a couple of months and won’t look right with any other products. The DevaCurl Set It Free spray was included and I used it to freshen up my hair after a day of walking all over Charleston. It worked beautifully, and I was immediately sold. I bought a full-size version as soon as I got back in town, and it’s now in regular rotation. Do you see the halo around it? Do you? Do you?

IMG_1203

She fixed my hair, y’all! I came out of the salon looking like a client and not a delivery person!

I’ve been to Bombshell a few times now and don’t intend to go anywhere else, and I adore both Tiffany (I hope I spelled her name right) and now Audrey! They are rock stars!! I’ve mentioned my hair woes in a previous post, and I had basically given up hope that I would ever have a style that looked anything other than accidental. But I went in for my first appointment with Audrey this week, and now it appears that my hair can actually do things of an intentional nature. WHO KNEW? I sat down in the chair and described to her what I wanted my hair to look like on a daily basis. She said something to the effect of, “Sure, I got this.” And she began snipping my dry hair here. And there. And over there. And some at the bottom. And so on. And so on. And then she washed my hair and put the good curl stuff in it. Moroccanoil  Curl Defining Cream rocks. And then she cut a little more. And then I went under the dryer. When I came out from under the dryer, I looked like this.

Carrie-Bradshaw-Hair-Season-5

No, that’s not Sarah Jessica Parker, people. GEEZ! I mean it looks like her, sure. But it’s me. I look like her. Well, not really. Or at all. So, yes, it’s technically her. But if you changed it a bit to make it my face and removed the glam makeup, fashion (both awesome and awful) and rockin’ NY life, then it’d totally be me at least from a hair standpoint. And my hair has been looking good for MULTIPLE days! I’m trying to control the swagger. It’s easy when I catch sight of the rest of myself. Then the swagger disappears quickly. But when I catch sight of just my hair, I have to strut. So, it appears that Audrey will need to be factored into my will. Which really kinda sucks for her as I will not have much to leave anyone other than a butt load of hair products and a pantry full of empty snack boxes. But what I can do is advise any of you curly-haired ladies (and dudes if you’re interested) out there to pick up your phone and make an appointment with Audrey at Bombshell if you are anywhere near the Richmond area. She is a GENIUS. I would not steer you wrong. I promise you that. If you aren’t near the Richmond area, you can search for the closest Curly Trained Stylist. If your experience is anything like mine, you will be a very happy person.

I will update my gravatar posthaste with my new ‘do as soon as I get my glam on. I have to do this hairstyle justice in pictures, y’all.

Listen. I know you’re lying.

I’ve heard many people of the straight-hair persuasion talk about how they wish they had curly hair. All the while they are swinging their glorious, shiny, straight hair and looking so pulled together and, well, tidy. There’s a better word, but untidy is the word that I associate with my head suit, so I’m going to use its opposite. I’ve had conversations about hair with you people, and I’m looking at your beautiful heads of hair as you’re saying, I wish I had curly hair.  Of course you’ve never told me you wish you had my hair though you try to pretend that you are including me in the curly-hair community of which you say you’d like to become a member. But you’re looking right at the mess on my head. It would require the ability to maintain a straight face that nobody possesses to sell that statement, so I applaud you on your restraint. So when you say you wish you had curls, it’s based on the curly-haired peeps in mags and on tv, etc. Because curly hair looks kinda effortless, right? I mean it’s all over the place, and you can’t get a read on what exactly is happening up there, so it’s gotta be easy to achieve. But I’m here to tell you that at least in my case, curly hair is a nightmare requiring stupid amounts of haircare products (Don’t believe me? Check out this post.) that only work in certain humidity conditions; or in certain temperature conditions; or when you hold your tongue just so when applying the product; or if you count backwards from 29 while applying the product while wearing only one sock; or if you consume a drink made of groundhog tears, bat saliva, and moose urine before applying the product.

Most days I end up with an 80’s hair situation where my hair enters and leaves rooms minutes before and after I do, and a 5-foot perimeter is wordlessly established around me by fellow space sharers to allow safe passage. If I actually get my hair looking halfway decent, I might catch sight of it in a mirror just 20 minutes later and see that it’s now gone to total shit up there. I’d need a squadron of mini hairdressers in my mane non-stop to help keep things in order for just 4 hours let alone an entire day.

This is sector 1 reporting in. All is under control. We have a few corkscrews, but nothing we can’t manage. We have some minor frizz sightings, but nothing like what we see over in sector 2. Over.

This is sector 2 reporting in. We have a major frizz situation. We are having trouble seeing anything else through the haze of frizz. Clearly the fool didn’t apply any frizz control despite the humidity levels. We’ve sent in 5 of our strongest to tame it, but we lost contact with them long ago and it doesn’t look good. We’ll keep you posted. Over.

This is sector 3 reporting in. We’re dealing with a curl to wave ratio that is seriously out of whack. We’ll be back in touch when we know more. Over.

This is sector 4 reporting in. People, we are all clear. All looks good in sector 4. We are just as shocked to report it as you are to hear it. Over.

This is sector 5 reporting in. We have a product mismatch situation. The idiot applied cream today when we needed a gel. AND she forgot to make sure the hair was at the correct level of dampness. We just…..I mean it’s unbelievable how many times…. Look, we’re not miracle workers. Over.

This is sector 6. We have an emergency. Repeat. We have an emergency. We have a random, completely straight section sticking out from her head over here. It’s sizable and appears to be waving for attention. It makes her look cracked. She cannot afford that!!! Over.

This is sector 3. We’ll be right over. We just got the situation over here under control. Don’t even ask us what it took to get that accomplished. Over. 

So most days I just say ….. Well, I think you can just guess what I say, since, so far, I haven’t unleashed any major profanity bombs here. And my hair is an unstyled tribute to crazy town.