Making human sausages

That title makes no sense to those of you who aren’t claustrophobic. But to those of us who are, that’s how we feel when we are in enclosed spaces. Like when we are touring a submarine and feel like the walls are closing in. On our way to Kiawah Island from Charleston on the 6th, we went to Patriots Point. We had a blast exploring the ships and gettin’ some learnin’ in; you should definitely go there if you’re in the area. We even left some activities on deck for the next trip. Anyway, when we came to the USS Clamagore, I felt a tiny bit of apprehension, but I was able to squelch it and proceed. We were down there with a smackload of people and it was difficult not to get friendly with stranger’s body parts. I believe I touched a lady’s hindquarters, but we both chose to ignore the event in a nod to the crowded conditions. I was able to quell my claustrophobia by just thinking about how I would feel if I had to live in this space WHILE UNDERWATER. Whew. Deep breaths. So, I was ok because I got to tour the sub and then depart.

OK, warning: I’m about to go on a tangent. What is with the creepy, life-sized dummies that they place strategically around on these ships? Are they supposed to “mimic real life” or are they really intended to make people lose their shit? Because I think it’s the latter. They are creepy as all get out. You are looking at the cots and thinking about how incredibly tiny these people must have been or how their bodies must have ached when they woke up or that they couldn’t have slept in the first place because those cots are seriously doll-sized. Then you view the shower and you stare amazed as you think, HELLO! I couldn’t even brush my teeth in there let alone wash my entire body. Then you come to the kitchen where they’ve laid out some anachronistic McNuggets and Sno Balls or some such madness since they have identified all of us as brain-dead slugs unable to conjure up an appropriate food vision. Then, what ho! Who’s this in the control room? It’s a freaking life-sized DUMMY here to scare all the people. BOO! Listen. Stop with that. We know your motivations are not virtuous here. If they were, the life-sized dummy would be in the cot demonstrating how a regular-sized person was supposed to contort to fit in that damn space, or even better, stuffed in that shower for the love of all that is sane and good illustrating how you are supposed to bathe yourself while you are folded in the shape of an envelope. Thank you for your time, you turd rapscallions. Ahem, I should clarify that my turd rapscallions comment is directed at those who are strategically placing the life-sized dummies for maximum creep-out effect.

Back to my original topic. As we got deeper into the sub, we came to a mother and her two children who were making their way back to the entrance of the sub. She was clearly battling a bad case of claustrophobia and had tried valiantly to make it through for her kids’ sake. She had ultimately lost the battle and was trying to get back out. Her husband was trailing and saying to her, “I’m sure there is an exit and it’s probably closer than the entrance.” He was trying to calm her down, but I know she was just in problem-solving mode and didn’t want to draw any extra attention to herself. The awesome thing was that she was joking her ass off with her kids and making light of the whole thing. I could see the panic in her eyes, but she was putting on a brave face so her kids wouldn’t be worried or embarrassed. My guess is that she insisted that her kids and her husband finish the tour while she made her way back. It’s what I would have insisted had I been in her shoes. But her kids were clearly unaffected by the whole thing and looked like they just wanted to take care of her. I should mention that this tour is a single-file type of experience through most of the sections, and she made it through the majority of the tour. Watching how that family handled themselves and how nobody even noticed what was going on except for me (because I had a sense of what she was probably feeling) made me want to fist pump her as she moved past me. Wait. Is it fist pump or fist bump? Whatever. Rock on, woman! And rock on, supportive family members!

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We spent the 4th and change in Charleston then a week in Kiawah and life was good.

I think I was always meant to be born and raised in the Lowcountry because every time we go there I feel like I’m coming home. So, I guess Matthew and I may have to retire there some day or I’ll just be stuck vacationing there as often as possible to scratch that itch.

We spent a couple of days including July 4th in Charleston to introduce the kids to what may be my favorite city. We did the touristy things like: fireworks party on the Harbourview Inn rooftop, a carriage ride, a visit to the aquarium, a trip to Fort Sumter, a swing through the Charleston City Market and dinners at Magnolia’s and High Cotton. We spent the rest of the time walking the historic section on foot and admiring the views. Everywhere with the views! I love Charleston so much. If you visit Charleston, I highly recommend the Harbourview Inn. The location was perfect, and the accommodations were faultless.

As far as Kiawah, what can I say? I adore Kiawah Island. Matthew and I have been going there for years. I think this was our 11th trip. The kids have been before (JT twice and Anna once) but both were such little tots they didn’t remember it. The waves are not going to win any surfing awards. But of course, that is part of what I like about it. I can send Anna and JT out into the water and relax on the beach with a book. And I can get out in the water with them and we can all play for hours and still be thoroughly entertained. With boogie boards. Sure, we aren’t riding any waves that take your breath away, but my neck and back aren’t protesting at night after a day of wave-riding. Pros and cons. In this case, the pros outweigh the cons for me. Poor Matthew. The family managed to ride one wave together. We looked around as we rode towards the beach, and we were all surprised to see each other. We did some eye fives, and when we finally reached the beach, Matthew got up, grabbed his board, and went up to sit down and read. He knew that was as good as it was going to get. You have to understand that we’ve vacationed at Emerald Isle multiple years running with hurricanes churning up the surf. He’s used to some pounders. As am I. I was grateful for the respite. Funny story. I had a similar reaction to his for the opposite reason a couple of years back. We were at Emerald Isle and I was boogie-boarding. I was catching some sweet rides. The waves were fast and furious. I’m not one to brag. Really. But one of the few things I can do is catch a wave. I’ve got the timing down. So, these waves were getting sneaky on me. I didn’t realize that they were getting bigger as the tide was coming in which meant the break was changing a bit too, and there was a significant drop that really made your whole body take notice. I caught one wave and that wave was like, “Imma put a hurtin’ on this stupid idiot!” I was laughing and then the bottom fell out and I dropped and I swear to you now I dropped for a full 5 minutes and hit the bottom and the wave tried to flip me but I wouldn’t be flipped and that wave said, “I’ll be DAMNED if you won’t be feeling my wrath!” and the wave proceeded to make multiple attempts to break my neck and back. I made it to where I could stand again. I got up, retrieved my boogie board, attempted to retrieve my dignity but it was nowhere to be found, and retreated to my chair on the beach. I didn’t do any more boogie-boarding that trip. But it’s ok. I’ve been catching waves since I was a young kid. Waves of significant size. For years. So, I’ve had my turn. Sure, I have. I’ve had more than my share. It’s time for someone else now. So it’s ok that I now have to ride the sad little baby waves. It’s ok. It’s o.k. I’m not     going      to             be                   sad                      .

These are a few of my favorite things.

Mad Men is almost here!! Glad The Orange Couch is back with it.

The Amazing Race seems particularly scenic to me this season, and I’m not referring to Phil. OK, maybe a little bit. He is pretty but most importantly awesome. No, Anthony and Bates, I’m not referring to you. However, there is no doubt you are convinced of your pulchritude based on comments you made on the last leg.

I’m enjoying Survivor though I’m not entirely sure why. I hate that the Survivor producers brought Corinne back. She is a toxic person, and I can’t imagine why anyone wants to listen to her. And why are we being subjected to Phillip again? He is a loon, and his StealthRUs was only marginally cute in the first iteration. We all know that Boston Rob carried him, but he seems to believe the fiction he’s selling that he was a partner in that strategy. I’m very happy to see Cochran again. His comments are always entertaining. His self-deprecating style is tempered this time around so that it doesn’t become annoying and remains charming instead, and his ability to read situations quickly and effectively is fun to watch.

OK I know she doesn’t post anymore, but if you haven’t been to her site, you have to take a swing through it with some time on your hands. I promise you will laugh yourself silly.

Love that you can make a dinner reservation months in advance thereby making vacation even more relaxing. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx it. Don’t let us down, Magnolia’s and High Cotton.