Come on brain! We should be allies!

Some days I think my brain is entertaining herself by making me look like a fool. When I’m going to her for keywords, she’s happy to respond, but she does so in a fashion guaranteed to give her the best opportunity for chuckles. She bundles the word I need with another word that isn’t quite right for one reason or another. Maybe it’s not right for the audience because it’s inappropriate. Or maybe it’s an antonym. Or a euphemism. She delights in doing this to me, and if I’m not careful I’m stuck looking like a complete moron. For example:

  • The other day I was talking to JT about something related to jerkitude (middle school is socially hard, y’all!) and when I was consulting my brain for the word jerk, she gave me the bundle of jerk + jackhole. Well, I ended up saying jack before my mouth clamped shut as I realized what she had done. I silently chewed her out and then faked an audible chuckle and corrected myself with JT. Ha ha, I meant jerk. See, she’s good. She could have given me the bundle of jerk + douche and I would have had no trouble selecting the appropriate word. But no. Stupid brain.
  • Last night I was looking for cubby. My brain bundled cubby + cubicle. So, I told JT to put his shoes in his cubicle. Stupid brain!
  • A while ago in mixed company I was looking for fiasco. She bundled as such: fiasco + CF. I was in a group that included kids. Of course that one was easily sidestepped and I used the correct word. But I spent the rest of the conversation completely zoned out of it while I fixated on the alternate-world conversation with me using CF. Where the kids are all, “What does CF mean?” And then after I feel compelled (for some inexplicable reason) to explain it to them, the adults are all, “Why would you use that word around kids!?!” Stupid brain!!
  • I was talking to someone I was trying to impress a few weeks ago. As I was leaving, I wanted a synonym for laugh that conveyed more playfulness. In a diabolical checkmate move, she gave me giggle + jiggle. I delivered the wrong word over my shoulder because I was already thinking about my next errand, and I never got the chance to correct myself because the other person was gone. Stupid brain!!! She laughed as she gleefully revisited that one for days. And I cringed every time she relived the memory.

She’s a formidable opponent, but she’s all I’ve got, people.

I think my neurons and synapses could use a shot of caffeine.

I love the word dendrite. Wait, now the word dandruff decided to trump dendrite by providing an image in my head, and I have to retract that statement. Moving on….

If my brain was represented as a room filled with file cabinets containing all my knowledge (insert your mockery here — I’ll give you a head start by saying it could be a small room ha ha ha), I know that all the file cabinets would be ransacked with papers scattered everywhere; nothing filed correctly. The two exceptions would be the file cabinet that contains all the song lyrics that I’ve learned over the years (and for some reason I’ve learned the lyrics to a staggering number of songs), and the file cabinet containing all the words I’ve heard or read over the years. Those two file cabinets would be pristine with everything filed correctly. And I’m good with the vocabulary remaining intact. But the song lyrics? Seriously? Why am I preserving that useless data with so much care. Good grief! Jettison that crap! Don’t most people just sing along to songs using the lyrics of their choice or, even better, not sing along at all. Here I am belting out the correct lyrics, sure, but annoying everyone in earshot. That’s a sad state of affairs, people. I’d much prefer to have had that file cabinet ransacked in favor of the literature I’ve studied. So, it’s a cluttered mess up there is what I’m saying. One of my favorite Lorelai scenes from ‘Gilmore Girls‘ could have been written after spending some time with me.

That? Is how my brain works. In fact, it’s pretty creepy how well that scene captures it. Get out of my brain retroactively, Amy or Daniel Palladino! Not sure who wrote that particular episode, and I’m too unnerved to Google it right now.