I wish I knew more about the year of Klorgbot.

The robots are going to take over the world. Well, the robots or the zombies. Today, I’m obsessing over the robot takeover. And you know the robot overlord will be PISSED at the underperforming spies that have been installed everywhere to learn all our secrets to make that takeover as easy and speedy as possible.

Oh sorry, I should probably back up and explain my hypothesis. Which is that all those faulty appliances and electronics we get stuck with? They are all robot spies. They’ve been sent here to spy on us and learn about our ways so that when we hit the year of Klorgbot, they can wipe us out and take over Earth. So, that dishwasher you have that stopped working right after year one? And now only offers the high-powered wash option, and you use it anyway because it seems wasteful to buy another one, even though it’s also damn wasteful to use that stupid high-powered wash option on dishes that have all been pre-rinsed for the love of Pete. So, you stop pre-rinsing because why the hell not. And your dishwasher responds by illustrating to you how very, very little it means by high-powered, and you throw up your hands, look at the stupid dishwasher, and shout, “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU, YOU PIECE OF TRASH!?!” And you walk away. Well, all I’m saying is that dishwasher is actually Wash n’ Listen v2.3.8, and it was supposed to work correctly for years (with all its options, I should add) so as not to arouse any suspicion as to its primary purpose in your household.

You don’t know this, but Wash n’ Listen v2.3.8 went through years of tweaks and testing so that it could hide all of its robot parts in the small spaces left after accounting for the dishwasher parts. Well, you can probably guess after looking at that version number. Robots are pretty uptight little devils, so you can imagine the kind of development and research that v2.3.8 reflects. Anyway, we own the Wash n’ Listen v.2.3.8, and I’m very careful about what I say around it. I don’t discuss anything too important around that nasty little guy. I don’t need that kind of information going back to the overlord. It can just find it out for itself through some other means. Wait……wait……just had a panicked moment. But, I’m much better. I remembered that it’s the aliens with the probey things. I’m breathing normally again.

Anyway, I just wanted to send this out there to all you faulty-appliance/electronics-havers to let you know to give those dudes the side-eye and be very careful what you say around them.

Today, we return to the age of refrigeration!

This is a good thing because I was feeling pretty lukewarm about doing research regarding salt preservation and other food preservation techniques. Also, my gut isn’t very evolved when it comes to consuming things that have gone “over” so to speak, so I really like my foods to be maintained in a more consistent manner to prohibit any nasty surprises. Not that I’m suggesting that certain people are more tolerant than I. Though that is exactly what I’m suggesting. Or maybe what I’m suggesting is that if there are certain people who can withstand a certain amount of pre-spoilage, well, I’m certainly not a member of that population.

I’m just so very glad to have a refrigerator rejoin our kitchen appliance community again. I have some concerns about what our last refrigerator whispered to the other appliances as it turned in its resignation to us via a rapidly spreading pool of water at its pathetic feet. I’m a firm believer that all appliances owe their owners some sort of grace period before crapping out. Turn in a two-week notice ideally, but I’m completely understanding of a 3-5 day notice. If your owners routinely call you hurtful names (like rust bucket or completely ineffective or couldn’t-clean-a-dish-if-it-was-run-through-the-wash-cycle-already-clean or veggie/crisper-drawer-freezes-foods-better-than-freezer) while kicking you, maybe you only owe a day’s  notice. But we were nothing but kind to our refrigerator, even if for years the veggie/crisper drawer often thought a neat prank was to flash freeze some fresh veggies for us. We’d just paste on our fake smiles and mutter, “Good one, fridge. You got us there.” We never said a harsh word. So, you can imagine our surprise when our fridge didn’t bother to exhibit any telltale behavior in its final days. Oh no. It just worked. And then the next day, it refused to retain water in its solid state in the freezer. We opened the door to receive its rank odor emission signifying food that ought to be relocated to the garbage, and on the double, please. And we demanded it return its refrigerator badge, and we issued it a pantry badge because it became good for nothing but storing items of a pantry nature. We also began giving it looks of disgust because what was it going to do to us at this point? We quickly issued the eviction notice giving it 3 days to exit the premises. And we began searching for a replacement refrigerator.

There’s a whole lot to the story of how we bought our replacement refrigerator that I’m far too soul-weary to tell you, and it involves a lot of “Stephanie’s kind of a dumbass at appliance shopping.” So, let’s just leave it at: “Stephanie’s kind of a dumbass at appliance shopping.” But the end result of the story is that we’ve been without a refrigerator in the kitchen for a couple of weeks. I know what you’re thinking. Relax, Wendy Whiner. You’re such a complete and utter pill, Empress Entitlement. And you couldn’t be more right. It was hardly something we couldn’t work around what with the fact that we have a refrigerator, albeit small, in the garage. It’s just that the refrigerator in the garage appears drunk with power knowing that it holds all the cards and has been flash freezing any fresh vegetable I dare to store in its depths. It doesn’t feel any need to keep a consistent temperature. I’ve got a thermometer in there for my own sanity. I check it from time to time and see fluctuations of eight holy-hell degrees (NO, I WASN’T holding the door open during that time!). Anyway, it’s a bit of an ass. I haven’t the slightest idea if I can trust the dairy items in there. At least the milk we’ve been pouring hasn’t attained that smell of stank or isn’t carting curds in its stream yet. And I haven’t seen any fur-coated or oddly-tinted cheese. I know that’s good news. I guess I’m sorry that we haven’t been giving it the love it feels it deserves with daily visits and hugs, and hours of listening to its problems. But that’s just not my way. I’m not touchy-feely with any of my appliances. I just expect them to do their jobs. I guess I do consider them to be beneath me, and now I’m paying the price.

I’ll try to do a better job with the shiny new fridge that moves in today. I’ve vacuumed out its space, and I think it looks cozy and homey. I’ll hold it and squeeze it and call it George. But I swear if I start seeing the flash-freezing of my fresh veggies, I’m going back to my old ways! We’ll see how things go, though. Doesn’t it kinda look like it has that have a day face?

NewFridgeAnd I don’t think “have a day” is quite the level of energy I’m looking for out of my new refrigerator….