So, you’ve decided to get yourself a canine companion, huh?

I get it. Really, I do. But, you should make sure it’s an informed decision because it’s a big commitment. The little pups are more than just pretty faces, you know. There are things you should know about them. Dirty, terrible little things. Things I’m going to tell you about in an infographic. Because I haven’t done one in a long while, and I’m bored.

 

Canine Companions

You’re going to do it anyway, right? I hear you. I’ve got one of those little canine devils looking at me right now. And, she’s really the boss of me. Don’t tell her I said so. But you have to give yourself a chance to avoid their spell just in case it’s not meant to be. Here’s where you have to start. Picture your life with a dog in it. Now, picture that dog without a face because that adorable little face is what they use to control you. Yes, picturing a dog without a face is creepy. I understand you are questioning my advice. But you need to trust me on this. If your “friends” are sending you crap containing adorable little pups, like links to YouTube vids or little poems about pets and how they are always there for you? You need to shut that shit right down. It’s not going to help you. Also? You really just need to avoid puppy media altogether. Puppy memes. Puppy paraphernalia.  Turn a blind eye to it. Full stop. I mean, come on. Give yourself a chance to make a decision here instead of just blindly hopping into your car all robot-like and heading to your local shelter to grab the first puppy you see while elbowing everyone else out of your way so you can sign on the dotted line. A puppy is a lobotomizer. They are very dangerous little beings and must be taken extremely seriously. In fact, you should never be in the presence of an actual puppy unless you have already made your decision and are prepared to take that puppy home right damn now.

Now. Go on and give your new dog a big kiss from me. I’m happy for you. Logic doesn’t apply here, and I knew you weren’t paying any attention to my warnings about dog hair sweaters, or farts that could make neighbors five houses away cry out in agony. I understand since I love my canine companion more than is healthy. I am also chuckling at the thought of the stealth farts that are getting ready to hit you. I feel your pain.

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