ICYMI: This one was a favorite of mine because the dude’s website that inspired it is pure hilarity!!

So, the ICYMIs continue. No, not because I’m lazy. Mostly, not because I’m lazy. Maybe a teeny, tiny bit because I’m lazy. Why are you still focusing on whether or not I’m lazy? You have to move on. You are obsessed. You should probably see someone about your problem.

Sweet Baby Jesus! Tell me this isn’t true!

Published on July 26, 2013

This dude is so freaking funny. I have worked my way through his entire blog. And I got to his beard maintenance post… No, funny people, I don’t need to maintain MY beard, wankers. Sorry for calling you wankers. You hurt my feelings and I retaliated like a small child. I was wrong. Stop giggling about the beard maintenance though. For real. I can still hear you snickering. Anyway, I was hee hawing my way through the post when I got to the alarming allusion that we unwittingly swallow like 8 freaking spiders over the course of our lifetime!!!! WHAT!!!!!! And I began hyperventilating. So, I had to begin meditating which is when I remembered that I’ve never meditated. I’ve always thought it would be something I’d like to learn how to do because, duh, I’m a little high-strung, but I’ve never done it. At least successfully. So, I tried it for like 8 seconds. ohm ohm ohm OHM MY GOD 8 FREAKING SPIDERSSSSS!!!!! And I remembered that my friend google would be able to help me here. And lo and behold. Oh, thank you Snopes! No, of course I wasn’t gullible enough to believe it. heh heh heh ahem It’s just that I’m a teensy bit squeamish about the ingestion of bugs of any nature. I can’t even watch it on tv without having to suppress a gag reflex at a particularly gratuitous shot. I congratulate myself on not losing my shit when I accidentally ingest a gnat. I internally slap an enthusiastic high five with myself and very very quietly yet audibly whisper, “You go, girl!” because I can never pull that off as I’m a total nerd but feel that it must be said. Outwardly, I’m all whatever. That was no big thing. But internally, I’m throwing a parade for myself. If I happen to find something in my food that shouldn’t be in my food, I immediately SHUT DOWN ALL CONSUMPTION. I have to restrain myself from shutting down consumption of all food everywhere around me. Oh, the times I’ve fought the urge to stand up on the table and declare loudly, “People, I feel I must tell you that I found a hair in my pasta. Yes, that’s right. A. hair. in. my. pasta. You should be scanning as I speak looking for stray non-food items on your plate. If it is not a utensil, you must immediately cease chewing, spit out all food particles in your mouth, and take a stand. We will later discuss whether or not we need to retreat to the restrooms to regurgitate our full meals. Oh, hello there. Thank you for taking a stand with me, small child. I see you have identified….wait. That’s your tooth. Did you just lose your tooth during dinner, dear? Well, congratulations! That’s awfully nice and yet not quite what I’m looking for here. Stand down, small child. You may return to your meal.” So, you see when I play out the scenario in my head why I haven’t taken a stand. You’re welcome fellow diners. Also, Matthew has quizzed me time and time again on whether or not it’s actually my hair. At least 10% of the time, I feel that he has a point. And I’m usually quite pissed that he’s poked a straight pin in my bubble of righteous indignation. So, reason #2 that you won’t see a youtube of me playing out this scene. Of course, reason #3 is the threat of someone capturing all of this and putting it up on youtube.

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