I can sleep in the most unfavorable conditions. I am lying.

I’m a wee bit particular about my sleeping conditions. You know that story about the Princess and the Pea? I could have been the inspiration for it. Not that I’m a princess. I’m chill about some things. But not about my sleeping conditions. So, if you’re planning on putting a pea under my mattress? I’m going to know. Well, wait. Is it a frozen pea? That’s probably really the only way I’d know. I’d know about a frozen pea. A really fresh pea? I might know about that, too. Those guys are kinda firm. You know those Le Sueur peas? I’m not going to know if you put one of those babies under my mattress. Those guys are going to mush like nobody’s business. And that’s just all kinds of gross. Do not put a Le Sueur pea under my mattress to test me. That’s weird which means you’re weird. Also, you’re going to clean that mess up. You did it to prove a stupid point. Not me. So I’m not cleaning up your stupid Le Sueur pea mess.

Matthew and I are, if not addicted to, certainly infatuated with series like Ultimate Survival Alaska. And let me tell you, those people are able to sleep in ANY conditions. They are my polar opposites. Yes, that was intentional. Anyway, it’s really the only thing keeping me from that competition, of course. The sleeping problem. Otherwise, I’d be on the show. Obviously. And you could cheer for me. Or against me. I don’t want to make assumptions.

So back to my sleeping issues. I’ll never forget the worst night’s sleep I ever had. It was the night of the sleepocalypse. Well, my own personal sleepocalypse. Actually, it turned out to be my family’s sleepocalypse, since not one of us managed to log more than two hours of sleep that night. We’ve made a pact not to speak of it, and though we’ve forgiven Billysburg (Williamsburg) for hosting our sleepocalypse, we won’t forget it. But the conditions that night met none of my criteria for a decent night’s sleep. The level of noise. The amount of light. The condition of the mattress. My ability to roll over without dislodging Matthew. All of these were beyond unsatisfactory. Matthew and I spent the majority of the night clutching the top of the mattress so as not to be dispatched to the skeevy carpet terrain.

Do I have a point? Yes. Am I going to take a really weird path to get there? Of course! Have I already? Absolutely. So, we just recently upgraded our FIOS. I’ve been flirting with cutting the cable cord, and then they lured me back with the ability to record MORE shows on MORE channels with MORE space with BETTER equipment and NOT spend any more money. Sounds great. Sign me up. Also, can you wipe the word “SUCKER” off my forehead for me? Then the equipment arrived. And the new STBs were super cute. So tiny and powerful. Much smaller than the ones we already had with more features!! But during setup as I eyeballed that LED display, I recognized that I might have a problem. I configured the STB displays for the low light setting, crossed my fingers, and waited for the night to come. People, by the time night came, I realized that stupid STB was going to mess with my sleep patterns. Diminutive and packed with functionality as it might be, it was now starting to piss me off. But I gave it a look of determination and resolved to try to sleep with its pernicious light. I made it three hours before I began piling random objects in front of the sadistic device while quietly whispering words of hatred at it so as to make sure it understood how much I hated its very existence while being sure not to wake poor Matthew.

And now? I’m fashioning an electrical tape solution. The room will return to full-on darkness, and all will be good.

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