Dreams: Training Simulations for Totally Plausible Situations

Dreams can be really useful in helping you figure out how to deal with something that’s a little out of the ordinary. Not like the one I had the other night where I was being eaten very, very slowly by a T-Rex. I mean, come on. Those dudes are long gone, and even if they weren’t, I’d be totally mocking the guy for being so leisurely about the whole mess. And I just now got why he was going about it all slow-like. He was messing with my mind. Making the experience all the more terrifying. Good one, T-Rex. But you should know that I was mocking YOU the entire time staring at your ridiculously tiny little arms. Hee! So teeny and ineffectual. So, you might have done better to speed up the process after all. I was not terrified. I was laughing at you the whole time and strangely numb to the pain. Point: me! I guess I’d have to give the match to you since you presumably would have consumed me had the dream been allowed to reach its inevitable conclusion. Whatever.

But I was trying to explain how dreams can be helpful in preparing you for certain situations that might arise. I will know exactly how to react in the following scenarios as recent dreams have given me EXCELLENT training. Thanks, brain! I thought I should pass my knowledge on to you:

Possible scenario 1:

If you’re hanging out with a bunch of meth heads (And you totally should; those peeps rock! If Skinny Pete and Badger are any indication, that is.) but if you are and you find yourself getting a whole lot rowdy after consuming your weight in alcohol, make sure you don’t throw your shot in a meth head’s face because you’ve lost your ability to make good decisions. If you do, you must immediately retrieve your coat and all of your passed-out friends and run (do NOT walk) to the nearest exit because shit is about to get real. If you aren’t feeling especially speedy, hiding is a great option as long as you make sure your object fully conceals you. Don’t hide behind a bike because your alcohol-soaked brain has lost the will to assess possible hiding spots. And don’t forget your passed-out friends. Hide them, too. First. You won’t have to hide all that long. Meth heads will lose focus pretty quickly and forget what they were doing, leaving you free to make a safe getaway. Again, if Skinny Pete and Badger are any indication.

Possible scenario 2:

If you have a pet, be sure to keep it away from kangaroos. Kangaroos are adorable in theory, but pissy little shits in reality. And they actively despise pets. I can’t explain it; I’m just trying to pass on the info. If you forget this, and your pet is captured by a kangaroo, you are probably out of luck. The kangaroo is going to put your pet in its pouch and run off with it. Forever. Even if your pet is a dog of an immense size. Those kangaroo pouches are much larger than they appear. I once saw (sure, this happened in a dream, but you can trust that it’s bound to be accurate) a kangaroo toss a small man in there. So, if the kangaroo has kidnapped your pooch or kitty, you’re probably going to have to box it to get your pet back, and here’s where it’s not going to go well. The kangaroo is going to have your pet stick out from the pouch so that you are at a disadvantage when you attempt to land a punch. The kangaroo is going to be raining down the fists of hell on you, and you’re going to be afraid to throw even the first punch for fear of punching your adorable friend. Good luck is my best advice, but you’re more than likely going to watch your adored pet bounce away into the sunset bundled into the pouch of that nasty kangaroo.

Possible scenario 3:

If you show up some place other than your shower or bathtub naked, you’ve just got to grab the first thing you see and wrap yourself up slowly and casually. Nonchalantly. Can’t find something to cover yourself with? Fine. Just act like you are the only one dressed appropriately. Look around at everyone else as if they have made a huge faux pas with all the clothing. It’s hard to make this one work, but I’ve had a LOT of dream training on this one! It is all in the attitude. Apparently. As much dream training as I’ve had on this one, I haven’t been able to capture the attitude yet. I guess that’s why my brain keeps throwing it at me for practice. I haven’t gotten a chance to practice my nonchalance yet since my brain never seems to furnish anything that I can use to cover myself anywhere in my scenarios. Thanks, brain.

Possible scenario 4:

OK, now, if you’ve got yourself a mouth full of steel teeth with pointy, fang-shaped ends …What? This can happen. Have you seen the things that are happening in dentistry? Also, Bond fans will surely remember that one shiny-grilled dude who had a mouth full of weird. OK, back to what I was saying. If you’ve got yourself a steel grill, you’ve got to be real careful when giving love nibbles to people. Have you ever given a little earlobe nibble? Look, that can turn into a real bad situation if you’ve got a mouth full of metal. You find yourself with a detached lobe hanging from your lips and a frightened person staring at you in shock while screaming in sheer panic and trying futilely to stem the flow of blood. First, you should go get some ice and bandaging materials. And help out your poor sufferer. Assure them that the lobe can be reattached. I mean, come on, they can reattach toes, right? Now, get going to the hospital. Wait, you did apologize, right????

OK, these are starting to trend a little dark, and I may have overshared the way my brain seems to work when I let her have the reins during those nighttime hours. But, you can probably understand why I’m always delighted to wake up in the morning and regain control, can’t you?

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