Dear NSA, Please disregard my prior browsing history.

Yeah, I know this story broke ages ago in the digital world. Geez, I really need to be on my best behavior now. Stupid NSA. Yes, you guys. I know you might be reading this. Look, I’m as vanilla as they come. Why you even bother checking out my shit, yo. Now I’m going to have to be really careful about my browsing behavior since it’s possible that some of my queries could be misconstrued. You need context, people. You can’t come at that shit with your whistles a-blowin’ without the context, fools.

Previous queries of mine + their context:

Advil Relpax interactions

  • Now you might think I’m planning to work a little Walter White magic and break bad while cooking up a new drug and sell it to millions and build my own empire, but REALLY I’m a migraine sufferer who just needed to make sure I could combine these two meds to snuff a particularly tenacious little migraine that would not go away and shit needed to get done. See? Context, people!

where to buy specialty pots

  • Maybe you’re thinking I’m trying to throw you off with the plural and was looking for a doobage dealer who specializes in quality weed, but I was just looking for a Williams-Sonoma type place where I could score a pot that cooks asparagus. Again, CONTEXT!

phishing how does it work

  • I must be searching for information on phishing so as to perpetrate my own phishing scam, because nobody would be stupid enough these days to fall for a phishing email, right? Well, there was a clever email that went around a few months ago that required some digging around on my part. No worries. I have no malicious intentions. Or do I? I’m just kidding. Of course I don’t! But really I do. No, I don’t. I’m just messing with you guys! You need some humor in your lives. I’m just here to help.

any search sexual in nature

  • There is a seriously shady squirrel that lives in our backyard. No, I’m not kidding. Those dudes can get in your house at will, you know. And this guy has that look about him. If there are any strange searches in my history that are related to sex in any way, look no further than that squirrel for answers and don’t kid yourselves that a squirrel can’t work a computer or mobile device. This little fella can.

monkey monkey underpants

  • OK, I can’t even imagine what you are thinking about this one but I know it’s not good. You might be looking for folks whose freak flags you want to examine a little more closely to determine if they are dangerous. Let me allay your fears and tell you that the purpose of this search was to locate the clip from ‘Gilmore Girls’ where Lorelai talks about the way her brain works. It’s a classic and it describes exactly how my brain seems to function sometimes.

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