This butt’s for you. Stand down, Social Services.

Anna and I really get into my stories. Well, in my head, she is really getting into them. She shows enthusiasm, but let’s face it. I’m her mother. She’s probably just indulging me. I do love receiving proper appreciation for my creative endeavors, and she knows it. So, she either adores my stories or is silently enduring them. Whatever. I’ve got an audience. I’ve decided to believe that she’s a rapt one.

If Anna and I were questioned about the appropriateness of my stories, I guess we’d both say they are a touch irregular. But then, Anna and I are, ourselves, a touch irregular, so I think it’s about right that one of my recent stories involved a restaurant featuring pickled human feet as its signature dish, and another centered around a group of bears struggling to reform their image after an unfortunate incident whereby one of their overly enthusiastic members gave a hug to a human, crushing every single bone in the poor fellow’s body. When the man sank to the ground in a boneless heap, the bear fell to the ground beside him in a torrent of tears, while the other members of the bear’s clan rolled their eyes and rushed to console their overly dramatic friend. Like I said, slightly irregular plots for stories, but they make sense in the end. Ish.

Should I get to my point? I should get to my point.

I believe strongly that there should be a relatable butt emoji. [Ed. Note: Shhhhhh, Kimoji people. Shhhhh. I said relatable, not ridiculous.] I believe in this so strongly that I decided I needed to incorporate them into a story for Anna. The story was about the Land of Emojis. This land includes all the emojis that have been “released” to us, but it also includes all of the cool emojis that we have imagined in our minds or seen on Google. Yeah, even those. Yikes. I didn’t include those in my story. You guys should really be ashamed of yourselves. But back to the butt emoji. In the Land of Emojis there are a ton of those guys. Some are wearing hats to identify them as members of various professions, etc. Some of them are wearing expressions to denote various feelings. I’m not suggesting we need all of these guys. I didn’t create them all. Don’t blame the messenger, you guys. But it is a little surprising one hasn’t been approved for use now based on their representation in the Land of Emojis. I, myself, could see many situations where you might want to insert one of the jaunty fellas. For example, if you want to tell someone you think they’re acting like an ass but you mean it in a friendly way? You need the relatable butt emoji, right? Or say, you’ve been acting like a complete freak of nature and you’d like to let someone know you’re aware that you’ve lost your goddamn mind. You send them, “Sorry I’m such a <ass emoji>.” Oh hmmmm. Wrong article, yes? You’d have to use, “Sorry I’m such an <ass emoji>.” There, that’s much better. No reason to make us all get twitchy because my article didn’t match the word version of the emoji. Oh hell. What if you use the word butt instead of ass, or what if your recipient is a butt person? Oh damn, that went entirely wrong. Phrasing, Stephanie. So, now it’s “Sorry I’m such a/an <butt/ass emoji>” Yep. This is pretty much what texting with me is like. And I’m a paratexter. Consult UD (although it’s not terribly popular as a term because none of my contacts has voted yet), and weep with gratitude if I don’t have the ability to text with you. You’re most definitely welcome.

WHOA. What happened there?

I’ve completely lost track of this blog post. And I feel like I should mention that as I was telling the story to Anna I got so into it that I kept imagining all of these butt emoji, and it was so entirely entertaining that the story was quite a disappointment. Considering the enormous potential of the material I had given myself to work with, the story was a real shit show. Yes. I went for the low-hanging fruit.

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