• It’s another post about curly hair. With a Broad City doo-doo ninja reference. Win-win!

    I was going to throw together a helpful infographic for this one showing the important things to avoid if you’ve got curly hair. But then I remembered all the text I would need to fit on it, and I realized that an infographic couldn’t contain the sheer enormity of it all. I also realized that I should probably apply for the title of Queen of Verbosity. There is probably some sort of sash and tiara combo that goes along with that, but whatever. What I’m really excited about is the giant stash of cash that I’m positive must go along with that coveted title. Not that anybody really wants to be known for not being able to shut up, but if the words Queen or King of precede a noun, surely that would imply some sort of covetability, right? Also, covetability is currently not a word if you believe so-called dictionaries, but that has never stopped me before. I’ve petitioned to have many words become official. Well, not really petitioned, so much as just added them to my own personal lexicon  (often spontaneously and ad hoc) and expected people to accept them into conversation without any ruckus. I used couch potato as a verb the other day. I had to resolve the whole -ing situation as it was present progressive tense, too. I’m hardcore, people.

    Wow, that was a bit of a tangent.

    So, I was going to provide some DOs and DON’Ts regarding practices and situations that register high to severe on the threat level meter for curly-haired people. And without further ado…

    • DO enter into relationships (either long-term or short) with headwear after the most thoughtful and careful consideration only. If you’re serious about that relationship, get really serious about a few test runs with that fashion item before you make the commitment. Is it not fashion-related? Well then, why in the world are you bothering? Oh, it’s for a weather situation? Like a stocking hat for cold days. Pardon me while I guffaw. Go ahead and purchase one of those bad boys. Do know that you will never wear it unless you are in some sort of frostbite-friendly situation. And even still you probably won’t wear it. Hey, don’t hate on me. I’m just trying to help you not have items laying about your house unused like I do. But whatever. You do you. I’m still serious about the test runs. Notice the plural there. Maybe have a friend (a real friend) with you for the test runs. During each test, it’s imperative that you view yourself from all angles. Before you place the headwear, while the headwear is in place, and, perhaps most significantly, AFTER the headwear is removed. Trust me on this, people.
    • DO have a trained specialist – a curly-hair ninja – cut your hair. Just like you’d only have a doo-doo ninja take care of a really horrific situation such as Abbi’s in Broad City, you’ve got to have a trained professional wrangle the curls. One too many ‘shroom hairstyles has taught me this. There’s a reason a curly-hair ninja cuts your hair when it’s dry. Take it away, Ilana. (Ilana is also a curly girl. Nice, right?)

    • DON’T wash your hair every day. Oh, I see your horrified face and hear your gasps. It’s ok. I know some of you are making retching noises right now, but that’s because you’re behind on hair grooming recommendations. That’s on you, buddy. So, shut it, Judge Judy or George.
    • DON’T brush or comb curly hair that is dry unless absolutely necessary. Exception the first: You have been triple-dog-dared. Exception the second: You wish to conduct a static electricity experiment. Heh, conduct.

    And the most important practice that people with curly locks should never attempt?

    • DON’T wash your hair too close to bedtime without allowing sufficient dry time. (Or unless you have a braiding sort of thing you do for your styling.) That hair has to be fully dry before you sleep on it because going to sleep with wet hair guarantees morning tears. If you do make this mistake, at least sleep on a wet head of hair that is well-conditioned, but styling product-free. If you make the epic mistake of putting styling product on your hair, and then go to sleep with wet hair, you’re probably creating a really impressive hair sculpture during your sleeping hours. It’ll be amazing when you wake up. Then, awe-inspiring. You’ll marvel at that thing for at least 20 minutes or so wondering how on earth that hair on the left side tucked under the three sections from the right, before merging with the section from the top, and then appearing on the back, before once more showing up on the left with giant tufts sprouting from it as if it’s trying to yell at you. You’ll become despondent as you realize that it will take you forever to undo this madness. I can’t tell you how long you’ll spend undoing that artwork. It varies greatly and depends entirely on your skill level. If your skill level is low like mine, and you’ve awakened late after indulging your love of the snooze button? May the odds be ever in your favor.

    March 15, 2015 • I have issues • Views: 52

  • I can sleep in the most unfavorable conditions. I am lying.

    I’m a wee bit particular about my sleeping conditions. You know that story about the Princess and the Pea? I could have been the inspiration for it. Not that I’m a princess. I’m chill about some things. But not about my sleeping conditions. So, if you’re planning on putting a pea under my mattress? I’m going to know. Well, wait. Is it a frozen pea? That’s probably really the only way I’d know. I’d know about a frozen pea. A really fresh pea? I might know about that, too. Those guys are kinda firm. You know those Le Sueur peas? I’m not going to know if you put one of those babies under my mattress. Those guys are going to mush like nobody’s business. And that’s just all kinds of gross. Do not put a Le Sueur pea under my mattress to test me. That’s weird which means you’re weird. Also, you’re going to clean that mess up. You did it to prove a stupid point. Not me. So I’m not cleaning up your stupid Le Sueur pea mess.

    Matthew and I are, if not addicted to, certainly infatuated with series like Ultimate Survival Alaska. And let me tell you, those people are able to sleep in ANY conditions. They are my polar opposites. Yes, that was intentional. Anyway, it’s really the only thing keeping me from that competition, of course. The sleeping problem. Otherwise, I’d be on the show. Obviously. And you could cheer for me. Or against me. I don’t want to make assumptions.

    So back to my sleeping issues. I’ll never forget the worst night’s sleep I ever had. It was the night of the sleepocalypse. Well, my own personal sleepocalypse. Actually, it turned out to be my family’s sleepocalypse, since not one of us managed to log more than two hours of sleep that night. We’ve made a pact not to speak of it, and though we’ve forgiven Billysburg (Williamsburg) for hosting our sleepocalypse, we won’t forget it. But the conditions that night met none of my criteria for a decent night’s sleep. The level of noise. The amount of light. The condition of the mattress. My ability to roll over without dislodging Matthew. All of these were beyond unsatisfactory. Matthew and I spent the majority of the night clutching the top of the mattress so as not to be dispatched to the skeevy carpet terrain.

    Do I have a point? Yes. Am I going to take a really weird path to get there? Of course! Have I already? Absolutely. So, we just recently upgraded our FIOS. I’ve been flirting with cutting the cable cord, and then they lured me back with the ability to record MORE shows on MORE channels with MORE space with BETTER equipment and NOT spend any more money. Sounds great. Sign me up. Also, can you wipe the word “SUCKER” off my forehead for me? Then the equipment arrived. And the new STBs were super cute. So tiny and powerful. Much smaller than the ones we already had with more features!! But during setup as I eyeballed that LED display, I recognized that I might have a problem. I configured the STB displays for the low light setting, crossed my fingers, and waited for the night to come. People, by the time night came, I realized that stupid STB was going to mess with my sleep patterns. Diminutive and packed with functionality as it might be, it was now starting to piss me off. But I gave it a look of determination and resolved to try to sleep with its pernicious light. I made it three hours before I began piling random objects in front of the sadistic device while quietly whispering words of hatred at it so as to make sure it understood how much I hated its very existence while being sure not to wake poor Matthew.

    And now? I’m fashioning an electrical tape solution. The room will return to full-on darkness, and all will be good.

    March 8, 2015 • I have issues • Views: 54

  • Why aren’t you prepared for the entire part of the transaction?

    I don’t understand. More and more I find myself behind people in checkout lines who appear completely baffled when the cashier looks at them after announcing the total. It’s really bizarre. Is there some new type of store popping up across the land where people grab a bunch of items, load them in a cart, have a cashier scan each item, announce the total of the items, and this is the end of the interaction? No money is offered in exchange for the items? And, these people are assuming all businesses operate this way? Because I don’t see a great future for this type of business. And also, it sounds a lot like stealing. Or some BOGO situation where someone doesn’t understand what the B in BOGO stands for. And I really don’t know where that chap is going to go with YOLO.

    Or are these people time-travelers? Is it possible that they’ve scored themselves some era-appropriate duds (so as to fit in visually) but are completely unprepared for the final piece of the puzzle in these types of situations? Although, if that’s the case, shouldn’t they be prepared to at least offer something in exchange for all these goods they’ve just received from the friendly and talkative fellow who’s just packaged all their items and is now looking at them expectantly? Perhaps a deer hide or some spices? A satchel of doubloons? I mean, come on!

    And if this is just about people knowing they need to pay, but feeling very unrushed about the entire process, despite the young mother with the 15 children all screaming in unison because of Señor Slowpoke and his desperate insistence on inspecting carefully the scanning of each item to verify that all is being done properly, how are we expected to suppress our inner screams of exasperation when he waits until each item has been bagged before removing his wallet from his back pocket and handing over a STACK OF COUPONS. Dude, you’re killing me. It’s true. You’ve subtracted years off of my life. And I heard 5 audible sighs from directly behind me. 1 from a child. A child. Even the child can process how ridiculous you are. Sir, I told you about the 5 audible sighs, and I think you heard them, too. Although you are a pretty oblivious sort. But the rest of the line consists of people rolling their eyes at you so hard, one of them almost lost his balance. Also, you’re in the 10 items or less line with your 20+ items. You bet we’re shooting you the stink eye. Fool.

    March 3, 2015 • Randomness • Views: 65